(I work at a high end clothing store that’s having a massive sale. Even with all five checkouts open, the line of customers is still nearly 30 people long. I’m working on restocking some shirts when I see a pair of young girl customers cut to the front of the line directly in front of another customer.)

Customer: “Ladies, I’m sorry, but there is a line.”

Girl #1: “Man, why do you care if we cut? It’s just one purchase; you can stand to wait a few more minutes.”

Customer: “That wouldn’t be fair to the people behind me. Please go to the back of the line.”

Girl #2: “F*** you! You little punk-a**! If my girl wants to cut in front of you, then you can’t stop her.”

(Sighing, the customer calls to one of my coworkers.)

Customer: “Can you please escort these ladies to the back of the line?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ladies, but you do have to move to the back, and I’m going to have to ask you to tone down your language.”

Girl #1: “Man, f*** this! This b****-a** just don’t want to help me.”

(Both of them turn back to the customer.)

Girl #1: “This is all your fault you gay mother-f*****!”

(At this, both girls swing at the customer, punching him in the face and neck.)

Customer: *wincing* “Well, that would probably count as battery, and maybe even assault. Are there any more crimes you want to commit before you get kicked out?”

Girl #2: “Oh, big f****** man, hiding behind some b****-a** cops because you’re scared to fight.”

(Girl #2 punches the customer in the face again, only to be sent flying about five feet from a single palm thrust to the stomach from the man. The two girls end up calling the police to report the customer for attacking them. Unfortunately for them, our store cameras are quite good, and pick up the entire preceding conversation and their initial assault. The police officer even offers to arrest the girls for attacking the customer. Luckily for them, he decides it is too much trouble dealing with them.)

(My boyfriend and I are picking up some groceries for his apartment. We see one of his friends and he decides to stop and chat. We stand there talking for about fifteen minutes and by this time I am hungry. To signal him that I want to leave, I put my hand in his back pocket.)

Customer: “You should be ashamed.”

(My boyfriend and I turn to see an older woman scowling at us.)

Boyfriend: “All she did was put her hand in my pocket so I would shut up so that we can leave.”

Customer: “She’s your sister, and you should be ashamed!”

Me: “He’s not my brother; he’s my boyfriend.”

Customer: “Don’t lie! I can see the resemblance! You shouldn’t grab your brother that way! It’s disgusting!”

Boyfriend: “Look, lady, we are not related. Go bother someone else with your crazy.”

Customer: “I am not crazy!”

(The customer approaches my boyfriend’s friend.)

Customer: “They’re siblings, aren’t they!?”

Boyfriend’s Friend: “If that’s true, it’s news to me and I’ve known [boyfriend] for quite a long time. As far as I know, he only has one sister and she is much younger.”

Customer: “LIES! YOU’RE ALL LIARS!” *runs off*

(I observe an exchange between a lifeguard, a mother, and the manager. The life guard has just jumped in and saves a three year old from drowning.)

Mother: “Why did you just grab my kid?”

Lifeguard: “He had wandered too deep and couldn’t touch the bottom; I pulled him out because he was drowning.”

Mother: “He was just playing. He was perfectly fine.”

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, his head was under water and he could not breathe. ”

Mother: “I DEMAND to see your manager!”

(The manager, who has witnessed the whole thing, walks over and takes the mother to his office. After about 10 minutes he returns and begins talking to the lifeguard.)

Manager: “Our business is all about serving our members and what you did is unacceptable.”

Life Guard: “You mean saving that kids life?”

Manager: “Yes, the mother says he was just playing and you ruined his fun.”

(The lifeguard is understandably speechless, so I feel the need to interject.)

Me: “Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to congratulate this lifeguard on saving that kid’s life.”

Manager: “He wasn’t drowning; it was just a drill.”

Me: “Are you kidding?! The kid was under water, flailing, and unable to breathe!”

Manager: “Really?”

Lifeguard & Me: “YES!”

Manager: “Oh, sorry.”

(The manager walks away.)

Me: “You need to find a new job.”

Lifeguard: “No kidding.”

(My bank offers free cookies to our customers to thank them for banking with us. Most people are polite and only take one cookie, two at the most for someone else waiting at home. One customer is notorious for going to all her local branches and taking every single cookie by dumping them in a grocery bag. Today, a coworker has just finished waiting on her while I am finishing up with a customer.)

Me: “Is there anything else we can help you with today?”

Customer: “Yes, what kind of cookies do you have?”

Me: “We have peanut butter and chocolate chip. They are in a basket by the door on your way out; please help yourself!”

(My customer heads over. Unfortunately, she’s right behind the other notorious customer with the grocery bag in her hand. He watches as the other customer picks up handful after handful of cookies and shoves them into her grocery bag and leaves, the basket now empty.)

Me: *to my next customer* “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, sir. We just finished making a fresh batch. Would you like one or two?”

Next Customer: *laughing* “No, no thank you. I guess it’s a sign that I don’t really need a cookie today!”

(I overhear a library patron talking to his small daughter.)

Patron: “You’re turning five today; do you know what that means?”

Daughter: “Uh…”

Patron: “Do you know what you finally get today? It’s so exciting!”

Daughter: “A pink Nintendo DS?!”

Patron: “What? Uh, no. We’re getting you a library card.”

Me: “…weeee! Happy birthday!”