(It’s a quiet day in the shop, so I’m busy prepping films to process. A middle-aged lady enters, so I put everything down and greet her.)

Customer: “Hello, my love; do you print photos from digital cameras?”

Me: “We do indeed! We just need your memory card or a USB cable if you have your camera with you.”

Customer: “Oh, good! I’ve brought this in; my pictures are on it.”

(She rummages around in her handbag, and finally places a small oblong of plastic on the counter.)

Me: “I’m ever so sorry, but we’re not going to be able to get your photos from that.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Why not?”

Me: “This is your battery.”

(I work as a collections agent for a major bank in the USA.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [major bank]; my name is Kevin. What can I—”

Customer: “English, ass-h***! Speak English!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m speaking English.”

Customer: “I just want to pay my [other bank's] credit card. My SSN is [number].”

Me: “Ma’am you are calli—”

Customer: “How you dare to interrupt me! My check account is [number] and my name is [name].”

Me: “Miss, you are calling [major bank], not [other bank].”

Customer: “What?! Who are you? Why are you calling me? I’m going to the police! I want your f****** name, and I want to speak with your supervisor before I go there and shoot someone!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I mute the headset.)

Customer: “What are you waiting for?!”

Me: “I’m waiting for you to tell me why you need to speak to my supervisor. If it was because you called a wrong number and said all you personal info, or maybe because you cursed at me several times, or that you, in a recorded, federal monitored line, threatened to shoot me.”

Customer: “Oh, no! I didn’t say that!”

(I check on the database for her full name with her SSN.)

Me: “Okay, let me put you on hold so I can speak with my supervisor and call the police. Your full name is [full name], right? Your address is [address], and your phone is [phone number].”

(The customer hangs up. I end up having a verbal warning from my boss, along with a free meal from him for “the funniest following-guidelines-call I have ever heard”.)

(I’m the customer service administrator. I’m the very last in line when customers ask to speak to a manager. Our tech support call center is located in India, but our headquarters, where I work, are in the States.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [company name]; this is [name].”

Customer: “Yes, I asked for a shipping label a couple days ago to send in my unit, and I haven’t gotten it yet. What’s the hold up?”

Me: “It looks like a shipping label was generated to be sent to your e-mail, but someone made a typo in your e-mail address. We sent it out via mail; sorry about that! It should reach you in a couple of days.”

Customer: “What?! D*** foreigners! How hard is it to type in an e-mail address? Your company is doing a disservice, shipping jobs that honest, hard-working Americans could have, over to India!”

Me: “The mistake was a simple typo, sir. Anyone could have made that mistake, American or otherwise.”

Customer: “That’s just a bull-s*** excuse! If you don’t want to take my word for it, fine. But you’re doing a disservice to this country!”

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing.”

Customer: “What? No, f*** you! Okay, what happens when I get the label?”

(I explain to him how to attach the label to the box and send the unit in.)

Customer: “No! That’s bull-s***! I have to do all this work, just to get a d*** piece of s*** unit that works! Your company is terrible and—”

Me: “Sir, if you do not calm down, I will hang up the phone.”

Customer: “What? Hang up? Fine! Hang up on me!” *hangs up*

(A male customer approaches me, holding a package of men’s underwear.)

Customer: “Ma’am, can I ask you to do something that is probably outside your job description?”

Me: “What is it?”

(He puts the package down and sticks his hands in the back of his pants.)

Customer: “Okay, I need a new pair of underwear. I don’t know what size I wear, and I can’t read the tag.”

Me: “You can go in one of the men’s fitting rooms and check.”

Customer: “D*** it!”