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    Preaching To The Converted

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bad Behavior, Religion, Top

    (It’s the day of our church fete. I’m helping out on a busy stall while my father (who also happens to be the vicar) finishes up at his day job. A young man and woman are hanging about at the entrance, handing out pamphlets about atheism. They don’t seem to be causing trouble, so we don’t do anything about it. As the day drags on, we start to get complaints: apparently they’ve changed tack and are starting to harass with anti-religious taunts. I approach them with my friend.)

    Woman: *thrusting a pamphlet at me as I approach* “Coming out is better than going in! Break out of the delusion!”

    Me: “Uh, thanks. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but do you mind tuning it down a notch? You’re upsetting some of the parishioners.”

    Man: “Ha! Typical. The vicar can’t do the job himself, so he sends a couple of brainwashed children to do it for him! Wake up and smell the lie!”

    Friend: *gesturing to me*“Okay, first off she is agnostic.”

    Man: “A cowardly atheist! Why the f*** are you here serving these fools? You’re only a Wikipedia page away from enlightenment!”

    Me: *getting slightly irritated* “I’d rather keep studying at university, and help as many people as possible rather than holding to a belief I can’t prove. As I said though, I respect what you’re trying to do, but you’re not going to convert anyone by attacking them,”

    Woman: “How dare you?! Atheism is a fact!”

    (Eventually, my father arrives from his lecture, dressed in a long windbreaker. He’s forgotten to take his reading glasses off, so he still looks quite scholarly. The young man spots him as he approaches us.)

    Man: “Hey, sir! You look way too smart to be here. What do you do?”

    My Father: *slightly taken aback* “Dean of Physics at the university.”

    Man: “Finally, an intelligent human being! Can you please tell these idiots the truth about their ‘Sky Fairy’?”

    My Father: “Oh, of course!”

    (He takes a step forward, then shudders, clutching at his head and turning bright purple. It’s realistic enough that everyone involved starts to panic, thinking he’s having a fit.)

    My Father: “No… impossible! Reason… failing… logic… melting away! Delusions too powerful to resist! Must…convert!”

    (With a dramatic gesture, he tears off his windbreaker, revealing his full vicar’s uniform, dog collar and all, beneath. The young man and woman look horrified, and begin to storm away.)

    My Father: “God bless!”

    Man: “F*** you!”

    Acting An Oaf About The Loaf

    | Wales, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (It has snowed quite severely in our area so today. We are short on staff and no deliveries have been able to reach us.)

    Customer: “You’ve run out of bread.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m terribly sorry; there is no fresh bread. All I can do is recommend some of our pre-mixed bread flour. You just add water and bake.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’ve run out of bread. I came here especially.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I appreciate that, but our delivery lorry got stuck. I am sorry, but there’s very little I can do to assist you.”

    Customer: “But you’re [supermarket]! You should never run out of bread.”

    Me: “Ma’am, like I said, the roads are impassable. Our lorry couldn’t get here. I normally work at another store, but I couldn’t drive there today, so I am helping out here. Do you mind if I ask whether you walked or drove in?”

    Customer: “Well, I walked of course. Have you seen the roads? It would be like driving on pure white death out there.”

    Me: “Exactly.”

    (I give her time to process this information, bearing in mind what I have said about the delivery drivers.)

    Customer: *walks off, muttering* “…can’t believe [supermarket] has no bread!”

    The English Only Tip Their Hats

    | London, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m visiting my long distance boyfriend in London. We decide to stop for lunch during our walk through the streets of London. I’m from Canada.)

    Worker: “So, your total is [total].”

    (I hand him a little more than he asked for.)

    Me: “Keep the change.”

    (He looks confused for a moment and tries to give me back the money.)

    Me: “No, no, keep the change. It’s money for you.”

    Worker: “What…?”

    My Boyfriend: *to me* “In London, no one ever uses the term, ‘keep the change.’ It’s unheard of for people working behind the counters to get tips.”

    Me: “Oh, geez… I had no idea.” *to the worker* “I’m actually from Canada. Over there, we use the term ‘keep the change’ when we don’t really need the change back. It’s considered giving a tip. I honestly had no idea that you guys here didn’t do that. Still, it’s just a little bit of money and I don’t need it that badly. Go ahead and pocket it. It’s for you!”

    Worker: *huge smile* “Thank you for explaining!”

    (He kept the change. It seemed like such a minor cultural difference, but I think we both learned something that day!)

    Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 3

    | CO, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I am working at the guest service desk at a big box store. It is customary when a box is returned that we open the box and check that all the content are inside.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to return this vacuum. It doesn’t work very well. I have my receipt.”

    Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do for you…”

    (I take the opened box and as I’m trained to do, look inside. Instead of the vacuum picture on the size, there is a different vacuum inside. In fact, this vacuum is a different size and brand, and is very much used.)

    Me: “Ma’am, it seems that you have placed the wrong vacuum inside this box. It looks like you are trying to return your old, used vacuum and keep the new one.”

    Customer: *picks up box and runs out of the store*

    Related:
    Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum, Part 2

    Government Is Going To Cone For You

    | TX, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (A customer in her mid-50s comes into the shop and begins looking around at all the varieties of ice cream.)

    Me: “Hi, do you know what you’d like?”

    Customer: “I sure do! I need some butter pecan in a waffle cone.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but we don’t have any waffle cones at this moment. Our waffle cone machine broke and we had to send it back to get another. We have cake and sugar cones, though.”

    Customer: “No, a ‘waaaaa-ffle’ cone. Waffle. Right here!” *points to sugar cones*

    Me: “Oh, a sugar cone! Sure thing, coming right up!”

    Customer: “No! Not a sugar cone! Waffle! Why won’t you give me what I want?! It’s the government, I tell you! They’re playing these evil mind tricks! I won’t fall for it, though! I won’t! I want a waffle cone!”

    Me: *grabs sugar cone* “Yes, ma’am.”

    (My coworker returns from her break, only having heard the last bit from the customer saying she wanted a waffle cone.)

    Coworker: “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t have any waffle cones right now.”

    Customer: “Not you, too! It’s a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy!” *storms out*

    Coworker: “Well, that escalated quickly.”

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