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    There Is No Analog For This Conversation

    | ME, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

    (I work for a large cable company that has recently switch a few stations from analog to digital format, freeing up space for more channels and internet bandwidth. I work at one of the retail stores where customers can pick up adapters to get the channels back.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Where the f*** did Lifetime go?”

    Me: “Oh! You must be talking about our digital switch over. Basically, we’ve switched these channels over and we’re giving out these adapters to get them instead, and they’re free until 2015.”

    Customer: “Why would you do this anyway? You people are always doing this; you’re always trying to screw the customer!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, this is to allow for more channels, faster internet speeds, and future technologies as we get them, so it’s really for your benefit.”

    Customer: “The internet is for the devil!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “The internet is for the devil! I won’t use it!”

    Me: “Well… I know that a lot of other people use the internet for business and school and for other good purposes, but I can understand where you’re coming from. Would you like to pick up your adapter today?”

    Customer: “No, I think I’m just going to get dish. You charge too much anyway. How does that dish work?”

    (I play it cool, and explain how it works and the differences between the services as unbiased as I can be.)

    Customer: “Ok, I’ll have to think about it all. I’m not sure what I want to do. Everyone’s screwing me over. I’m going to be dead soon, did you know that I was dying? Yep, I won’t be here next year. Then when I was pulling in here that a**hole cut me off. Can you believe the nerve? He almost killed me? I f***ing flipped him off. I wish he’d tried following me. I’d have shown him something if he started following me. Just like those d*** kids going 80 miles an hour down my road!”

    (This continues for another 10 minutes without pause. However, at the end of everything she got everything off her chest and I actually got a smile out of her at the end! I claim victory.)

    Allergic To Common Sense

    | Citrus Heights, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “‘Strawberries Wild’ for [name]! ‘Strawberries Wild’ for [name]!” *customer comes up* “Hey, here’s your ‘Strawberries Wild’.”

    Customer: “This doesn’t have strawberries in it, does it? I’m deathly allergic to strawberries.”

    Me: *blink* “…Let me make you a new smoothie…”

    Graded A For Audacity

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Top

    Customer: “Why won’t anyone help me?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t see you. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’m a student, and I have an essay due in two days.”

    Me: “Okay, well what can I do for you? Do you need some research material?”

    Customer: “Research material?”

    Me: “Yes, like books, or websites, maybe news paper articles?”

    Customer: “No, I need you to type up my essay.”

    Me: “We don’t actually offer that service, but I can certainly find you a computer to use to type it up.”

    Customer: “Fine.”

    (I set the customer up on our word processing computer and give her some extra time to make sure she can get the essay finished. I then move away to continue working.)

    Customer: *at the top of her voice again* “Excuse me! What are you doing?”

    Me: “Did you need some help?”

    Customer: “You haven’t even started my essay and you’ve walked away!”

    Me: “Wait… are you asking me to actually write your essay for you?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “No, I can’t do that. You have to do your own essay, I’m afraid.”

    Customer: “This library is horrible!” *storms out*

    (Things didn’t end there; after leaving the library, the customer spent half an hour outside in the car park, screaming at people not to go inside!)

    How Artists Draw Blank Faces

    | London, England, UK | Bizarre

    (I am waitressing at a wedding party being held above a bar in an art gallery. I have popped down to the bar to use their dishwasher. There are lots of contemporary art displays around the bar.)

    Customer: “Hi, could I get a pint of Carling?”

    Me: “Oh sorry, I don’t actually work here. You’ll have to ask someone else.”

    Customer: “But you’re wearing uniform?”

    (My uniform is not even slightly similar to the bar staff’s.)

    Me: “Oh, that’s because I’m a waitress; I’m from upstairs.”

    Customer: “Oh right, I thought you might be another art display. Okay, bye…”

    Fresh Bread, Stale Attitude

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I work at a piroshky bakery and have just started my morning shift. A customer comes in with a very obnoxious, self-important attitude.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir! What can I get for you today?”

    Self-important Customer: “What’s your freshest thing?”

    Me: “Well, we just opened so everything is fresh out of the oven. I could warm one up if it’s not warm enough for you.”

    Self-important Customer: *shakes his head* “No, I don’t want it warmed up.”

    (He looks behind me to our rack where we put our piroshkies until we need to set them out.)

    Self-important Customer: *points to rack* “What’s that there on the top?”

    Me: “Those are our potato mushrooms, sir, although they’ve been out of the oven about the same time as our others so it’d be easier if I just got you one from—”

    Self-important Customer: “No, I want one from back there.”

    (I mentally sigh but go ahead and do as he asks since it’s a slow morning and there’s only a couple people in line. I turn to grab his order but he stops me.)

    Self-important Customer: “Wait!” *points at rack again* “What are those?”

    (There are at least 7 different types of piroshkies on the rack.)

    Me: “Um, which ones, sir?”

    Self-important Customer: “Those ones!”

    (I look at him quizzically.)

    Self-important Customer: “The ones on the second row!”

    Me: “Oh, those are our Moscows. They’ve got Bavarian cream and Cream of Wheat in it which gives it—”

    Self-important Customer: “I’ll take one of those.”

    (We haven’t set one out yet, so my supervisor has to take out the whole pan and sprinkle powdered sugar on it. I grab everything for him and bag it up.)

    Me: “All right, sir. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

    Self-important Customer: “No, that’ll be all.”

    (He pays and leaves. I run through a couple more customers until I get to a young guy.)

    Young Guy: *saunters up to the counter* “Hey so, uh, what’s the freshest thing you got here?”

    Me: “Pretty much everything just came out the oven.”

    Young Guy: “Yeah, but I want really fresh, and like, potato mushroom.”

    (I sort of stare at him then move to grab a potato mushroom. He starts laughing.)

    Young Guy: “I’m just kidding with you, man. Did you see that guy?” *begins to imitate him* “I want the freshest thing you got!” *goes back to normal* “You’re in a bakery in the morning, man, everything’s fresh!”

    (At this point everyone in the bakery is laughing. I get his order, still chuckling, and bag everything up for him.)

    Me: “That’s going to be [price], please.”

    (He pays and my supervisor steps up.)

    Supervisor: “Wait, give him one for free. That was too funny!”


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