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    Certified Or Certifiable?

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (A few weeks ago I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand, between my thumb and index finger. Though it has healed, I have a scar, and it still hurts quite a bit if I hit it on anything. A customer has purchased a battery operated device. Store policy is to put batteries in it to make sure it works before they leave. I go to put batteries in but the cap slips out of my hand and manages to hit my scar.)

    Me: “Ouch!”

    Customer: “What happened?”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. The cap hit the scar on my hand.”

    Customer: “How’d you get it?”

    Me: “Oh, I was at my other job, when I accidentally stabbed my hand. It healed pretty quickly with no infection. So, it’s all better now.”

    Customer: “Why would you do that?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Why would you stab yourself?”

    Me: *joking* “Well, it just seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t do that! You should see someone about your issues right away!”

    Me: “Um, it was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t lie to cover up your problems. Here take my card. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

    Me: “No, thank you. It really was an accident. I was just joking earlier.”

    Customer: “Nonsense! I demand that we set up an appointment. I’m going to help you. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

    Me: *sigh* “….so you said.”

    Customer: “Good. Now, how does meeting me at [address] at 2 pm tomorrow sound?”

    (I am defeated, and am just trying to get this customer out of my store.)

    Me: “Sure, sounds just fine.”

    Customer: “Okay! See you then. And don’t worry, we will help you with your issues. Just don’t do anything too bad before we meet again!”

    (The customer walks off smiling. I never went to that meeting, although I did give my boss a heads up if a crazy woman came asking for me.)

    Trolling Stupidity

    NOT-SURE-IF-TROLL-OR-JUST-VERY-STUPID

    Stupidity Is Its Own Reward, Part 3

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer comes up to my till. I start ringing her up)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us?”

    Customer: “Do you sell our information?”

    Me: “No. We just use the rewards card to give you coupons every time you spend a certain amount of money with us.”

    Customer: “Oh, well. I don’t need that, if that’s all it’s for.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Related:
    Stupidity Is Its Own Reward, Part 2
    Stupidity Is Its Own Reward

    Looking For Some Consoling Advice

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work the graveyard shift in the electronics department. It is the night of the PlayStation 4 midnight release, and throughout the night, I have been receiving a lot of phone calls from customers asking whether there are any more PS4s in stock.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. This is electronics. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you guys have any more PS4s in stock?”

    Me: “No, sir. We sold out of those about a half hour ago.”

    Customer: “Really? Okay. Well, do you know when the XBox One comes out?”

    Me: “I believe they come out on the 22nd.”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah? So next week… Well, which one do you prefer?”

    Me: “Ha! I’m an XBox person myself, really.”

    Customer: “Yeah? That’s cool. Hey, I have one more question. It may sound kind of weird.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Customer: “Can you help me with my science homework?”

    Me: “…uh… Google, bro…”

    Gift Card For The Gifted

    | Syracuse, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (At the end of each transaction, I have to circle a survey on the receipt that the customer can enter to win a $500 gift card. Three teenage boys have come in and are buying a sweatshirt.)

    Me: Here at the bottom of your receipt, we have a little survey. If you can take a minute to fill it out for us, you can be entered in a drawing to win a $500 gift card!”

    Teenage Boy #1: “$500 to here?! I can buy so many clothes! I can buy so many pairs of yoga pants! My a** will look fantastic!”

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