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    Dealing With A Magic Bean Counter

    | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (One of my tech staff gets off the phone with a loud client. He is visibly frustrated.)

    Me: “Next time he calls, put him through to me.”

    Tech Staff: “Okay!”

    (Minutes later, the call is escalated to me.)

    Caller: “This is unacceptable! I demand you fix my issue!”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, you are using an unsupported email client. When you called us to set it up, we explained to you what would happen if you used this client. It appears that you did it anyway. We cannot fix it for you.”

    Caller: “That’s unacceptable! We pay you good money to host this for us! I expect you to resolve this for me!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. You are a financial advisor to your clients, right?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, imagine a customer came to you, and told you they wanted to move all of their investments into magic beans. What would you tell them?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s just stupid. I—”

    Me: “EXACTLY! So, imagine they did it anyway, and came back to you a few weeks later complaining that they’d lost all of their money. Would you accept liability?”

    Caller: “No, but—”

    Me: “Well, that’s where I am right now.”

    (We never heard from the caller again.)

    Crazy Just Got To Another Level

    | PA, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I am handling a sales order with a customer. An older lady taps me on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “I can’t find your elevator anywhere!”

    Me: “It’s a one story building. I am afraid we don’t have one.”

    Customer: “That’s horrible! My knees are so bad! I just can’t handle the stairs!”

    Me: “We… don’t have stairs.”

    (As I am replying, she has turned and walked away. About a week later, I get a call…)

    State Employee: “I am calling to investigate a complaint we received that your store is violating ADA. Is it true you don’t have an elevator?”

    Me: “Yes. I don’t have a second floor or stairs either.”

    State Employee: “So, I just file this under ‘crazy’… gotcha.”

    Driving Miss Crazy, Part 4

    | Billings, MT, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (A older driver is trying to park her car in the lower parking lot of the events center. We have the lower parking lot blocked off to be used by volunteers.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Can I ask you to move your car to the upper parking lot? The lower parking lot is closed. It’s blocked off for the volunteers for today’s event.”

    (She refuses to move her car. We get an officer to tell her to move her car, or get towed. She reluctantly gets in her car, and pulls up 50 feet, but still in the lower parking lot. Volunteers are sitting in my car warming up from the cold weather.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you will have to move your car to the upper parking lot.”

    Driver: “I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! These people are leaving; I can park here.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. They are warming up. They are volunteers. You will have to park in the upper parking lot.”

    (The driver’s granddaughter in the back seat chimes in.)

    Driver’s Granddaughter: “Grandma, just park up there.”

    Driver: “No! This is my spot. These people had better leave, or I will just ram them out of my spot. My spot!”

    Me: “Listen, lady. I will stand right here so you understand. You will not be parking here. It’s only a two minute walk from the upper parking lot.”

    Driver: “F*** you!”

    (The driver ends up driving through the whole volunteer parking lot looking for a spot, then decides to go to the upper parking lot. I think the altercation is over, until she comes back down, grabbing me by the arm.)

    Driver:See! This car just parked here. That other car left, and you allowed this white car to park here.”

    Me: “That wasn’t the spot you were trying to park in. You were trying to park where that blue car is in front of that blue truck.”

    Driver: “Bull-s***! You’re lying!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that was my car you were threatening to ram. My friends were sitting in that car trying to warm up. They are volunteers. I suggest you calm down, and enjoy this family fun event.”

    Driver’s Granddaughter: “Grandma, he is right. That’s the car up there!”

    Driver: “F*** you both!”

    Related:
    Driving Miss Crazy, Part 3

    Some Customers Are A Blessing

    | AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Religion

    (I am a cashier, helping a customer. She sneezes.)

    Me: “Bless you!”

    Customer: “Are you a priest?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Are you a priest?”

    Me: “Um… no. I am a cashier at the moment.”

    Customer: “Well, then you have no right to bless me!”

    Me: “Okay… my apologies?”

    Victim Of A Crazy Mugging

    | QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

    (We have a staff rest/break room near the bathrooms. Customers accidentally walk into it all the time, so we get a very big sign that says ‘Staff Only, Please Do Not Enter’. One day, I hear several very loud noises coming from the staff break room. I go to investigate.)

    Me: “Is everything okay in here?”

    (I look around to utter chaos. Tea and coffee has been thrown all around the room. Milk has been poured on the counter, and the water jug is on the floor. Oddest of all, the fridge door is wide open, and the shelves have been neatly removed and stacked on top of the table. In the middle of all of it is sitting a very well-dressed middle aged woman. She is sipping coffee out of my personal coffee mug.)

    Me: “I.. um… excuse me, ma’am?”

    (She looks up with a lovely smile, and goes back to sipping coffee.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to… um—”

    (She stares at me for a very long time, then goes back to her coffee.)

    Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, ma’am. This is a staff only area.”

    (She smiles, and starts talking in a very fake British accent.)

    Customer: “Oh, you know. I just wanted a coffee.”

    Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside of this room. It’s for staff only.”

    Customer: “But… my coffee?”

    Me: “It’s okay, take it around the shop with you. I’ll even put it into a take-away cup for you.”

    (I offer to take back my mug. Her smile turns to a horrible scowl.)

    Customer: “MY cup!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s mine. Now, I need you to leave this area before I call security.”

    Customer: “Oh!”

    (Smiling again, she gets up and walks out of the room. She then turns around, shrieks, and hurls the cup at me, where it smashes at my feet.)

    Customer: “MY CUP! MY COFFEE!”

    (I call security. She goes on a rampage, trying to smash everything in sight. She even bites the security guard. They have to call the police, because they can’t restrain her. I guess some people really do need coffee to be human.)


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