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    Drastic Plastic

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (A shopper walks by with a cart full of cups, plastic silverware, and paper plates.)

    Me: “Hey! How are you? Throwing a party?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I just don’t believe in washing dishes.”

    Contr-Acting Badly

    | NB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (A customer comes in to return their truck rental.)

    Me: “Since you’re two hours over time, you’re going to have to pay for another day.”

    Customer: “Well if you’re going to charge me for it, I want that truck back so I can move some things.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve closed the contract. You would have to start to start a new one.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous; just give me the truck.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; you have to start a new contract.”

    (The customer turns and starts to walk around the counter. I grab the keys from the wall and put them behind my back.)

    Customer: “Gimme those keys!”

    (He rushes forward and attempts to tackle me, hitting into me with his shoulder. My manager is on the phone right away. We struggle for a bit, but he finally gets his hand on the key tag and pulls it free from my hand. The key itself cuts my palm pretty bad. He starts stomping out of the building as my manager yells to him.)

    Manager: “If you walk out that door, I’m charging you with grand theft auto.”

    (The guy stops and huffs, then drops the keys and walks outside. My coworker pulls me up, and we wait for the police to arrive. When the police arrive one of them greets the customer with a huge smile and a hand shake; it seems he knows him quite well. The two police officers and the man talk for a while and finally they come over to talk to me.)

    Police Officer: “If you want to press charges, it’s not going to be easy. He wasn’t trying to hurt you; he was just trying to get the keys. We can’t really report this as an assault. If he shakes your hand and apologizes, will you agree not to press charges?”

    (I nod agreement.)

    Customer: “Oh, hey, sorry I tripped and fell on you there. I wasn’t trying to hurt you; I was just trying to get the keys.”

    (I can now say that he was the worst customer I’ve ever had. When someone gets mad at me, or swears at me at work, I just laugh. Nothing they can say can be worse than what that customer did to me. I now keep a heavy, blunt object on hand at the counter, just in case.)

    Treating Them Im-Parcel-ly Is Only Polite

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal

    (I witness a customer exchange at the counter while I am in line.)

    Customer: “I’m here to pick up a parcel; here’s the delivery card.”

    Clerk: “Sure, I’ll just look that up for you.”

    Customer: “By the way, why were you rude to my daughter?”

    Clerk: “I… what?”

    Customer: “My daughter came in earlier to get this parcel. You were rude to her, and wouldn’t let her pick it up for me.”

    Clerk: “I’m sorry. As I explained to her at the time, only the person whose name is on the parcel can take it. We have to do that to prevent fraud.”

    Customer: “Her name is on it! Look at the card!”

    Clerk: “Um… I’m sorry, but you wrote that in yourself. It’s a different coloured ink, and the handwriting is different.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Clerk: “Look, I’m sorry; only the person whose name is on the card can pick it up. I explained that to your daughter—”

    Customer: “You should learn how to speak to people properly, and stop being so rude!”

    Clerk: “Um… let me go get your parcel.”

    (The clerk is visibly upset as she leaves. Her supervisor comes back with the parcel in question.)

    Supervisor: “Here is your parcel. Now, can you see here on the parcel where it has your name on it?”

    Customer: “I don’t f****** care whose name is on it! I wanted my daughter to pick it up, and you should have given it to her!”

    Supervisor: “That would have been illegal. We can’t just give out parcels because someone says—”

    Customer: “I don’t f******* care! Just give me the f******* book to sign!”

    (She signs for the parcel and storms out, offering one final pearl of wisdom before going out the door.)

    Customer: “You should learn to f******* speak to people more politely, b****!”

    Not Sue-ted To Shoplifting

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month

    (I spot a young woman looking shiftily around, obviously checking to make sure no associates are watching her. I step up behind her as quietly as I can; she hasn’t spotted me yet. She starts putting a couple stacks of shirts into her bag.)

    Me: “Ah-HEM!”

    (She freezes, and slowly turns around.)

    Woman: “I was just—”

    Me: “Uh-huh.”

    Woman: “I really need—”

    Me: “Mm-hmm?”

    (She sheepishly puts the stack of shirts back onto the table, and starts to walk towards the exit.)

    Me:All of it please, ma’am.”

    (She scowls like a little kid, stomping over and throwing the last shirt in her bag at me.)

    Woman: “I’ll sue you all!” *stomps out*

    Judging A Book By Its Fabulous Cover

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Religion, Top

    (I am standing in the waiting area near the hostess station. A man who is gay is requesting a table. A primly dressed woman walks in.)

    Woman: “Ugh, how horrid! You should be ashamed of yourself dressing like one of those sinful f***! People will get the wrong idea about you.”

    (The man keeps his calm like he’s used to this.)

    Man: “Actually, ma’am, it wouldn’t be a wrong idea as I am—in fact—gay.”

    Woman: “Have you no shame at all!? You sound proud of it! You should be more like this young man.”

    (She gestures to me.)

    Woman: “He obviously is a proper, god-fearing individual.”

    Me: “I’m honored. You really believe he should be like me?”

    Woman: “Of course, you obviously have your priorities straight.”

    (I walk over to the man and extended a hand for a handshake. He takes it.)

    Me: “Well, you heard her…”

    (I lean in and give him a quick peck on the lips.)

    Me: “Never change sweetie.”

    (The other three people in the waiting area break out laughing and the woman goes beet.)

    Woman: “Well, I never!…”

    (She stomps out. The man and I end up sharing a table for dinner. We’re now good friends and we laugh about that meeting a lot.)

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