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    He Jumped The Gun

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (A man bursts through the doors in a panic.)

    Man: “Did you need me to call the police?”

    (I am very confused.)

    Me: “What?”

    Man: “That must have been terrifying! How much did he take?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Slow down.”

    Man: “I was walking down the street when I saw a guy walk out of here carrying a gun!”

    (I stare at him for several seconds.)

    Me: “Sir, have you looked around? Did you see our sign on the way in?”

    Man: “No, why?”

    Me: “Sir, this is a gun store. He bought it here.”

    Read Or Die

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Books & Reading, Canada, Extra Stupid

    (I’m at the cash register; a lady walks up and plunks six different paperbacks on the counter.)

    Customer: “Which one is the best? I only want to buy one today.”

    Me: “Well, that depends on your tastes. Is there a particular genre that you’re interested in?”

    Customer: “No, I mean which one did you like the best?”

    Me: “Well, I haven’t read these particular books, but I can tell you which one is most popular right now…”

    Customer: “Of course you’ve read them all. You work here, right? You have to know what you’re selling!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we sell thousands of different books; there’s just no way I can read them all.”

    Customer: “You’re not doing your job! You have to know! Now tell me which book was the best!”

    Me: *points randomly* “…that one.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    No Returns On The Returns

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Money

    (It is tax season and our office is extremely busy. My boss meets with a very talkative client, his wife and their bored toddler late on the weekend in our office. It takes several hours to complete their tax return forms, but the family finally leaves with smiles. They seem very pleased with our work. The next morning we get an irate phone call.)

    Client: “I am unhappy with the return you have provided me, and I want a refund!”

    Boss: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you aren’t satisfied; what is the problem?”

    Client: “It cost too much!”

    Boss: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. When you were here, I went over all the fees with you. You agreed to us doing more work, and filing additional forms. You received $3,800 more in tax refunds, correct?”

    Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

    Boss: “And you only paid $300 extra to get that additional $3,800 refund. You are coming out ahead $3,500, correct?”

    Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

    Boss: “Then I don’t understand what the problem is.”

    Client: “The problem is, I went home and did my return online. It cost a great deal less. I do not need your return anymore, and I am wanting a refund!”

    Boss: “Excuse me?”

    Client: “Yes, it was very easy to do.”

    (My boss is livid, but is trying to stay calm and professional.)

    Boss: “It was easy because I did all the research and work. I explained everything to you, and you had a copy of the return I had completed with you. I’m sorry; the return has already been filed with the government and we can’t pull it back, so we cannot give you a refund.”

    Client: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! You have a satisfaction guarantee! I am not satisfied and I DEMAND A REFUND!”

    Boss: “Sir, you were perfectly satisfied with our product. What you are saying is like going to a restaurant and happily eating, going home, cooking dinner and eating again, and then demanding that the restaurant give you a refund because your cooking was cheaper! We will not refund your money!”

    (Several months later, we receive notice that the client is being audited by the IRS for making false statements on his return. We also find out that the past year he has filed illegally and received a tax return for several thousand dollars that he did not earn. If he is found guilty, he will be severely fined, and possibly jailed.)

    Service To Swear By

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I am waiting on a table being used by a family: a mother, two teenagers, and one younger son. I am taking the order from the mother; everyone else has given their order.)

    Me: “…and what side dish would—”

    (The young son hits me in the back of the head. I find this funny, as the kid is so young.)

    Me: “Hey buddy, what’s the matter?”

    Child: “Where the f*** is my food?”

    (I look at the mother in expectation of her to do something.)

    Mother: “Well? Are you going to answer him?”

    (I stare at the mother in disbelief.)

    Me: “Well… the kitchen needs to cook your food for you, which takes time. I haven’t left the table yet, which means they don’t know what you would like to eat; it hasn’t even started being cooked yet.”

    (The mother just kept going like nothing happened.)

    Shaming Special On The Pre-Wedding Aisle, Part 2

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (I’m taking care of my younger sister, who is 10. We’re having a movie night, and are grabbing some snacks at a nearby store. I am 19 and female.)

    Me: “Okay, pick out what you want.”

    Sister: “Can I have whatever I want?”

    Me: “Of course! You can pick out anything.”

    (Another customer notices my sister picking out some candy.)

    Customer: “Humph! You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Having a child at your age. It’s disgraceful. And now you’re wasting your welfare money on junk food. It’s your fault the economy is so terrible.”

    Me: “I’m afraid you’re mistaken. She’s not my daughter, she’s my sister. I’m babysitting for the night.”

    Customer: “That’s just the lie you tell people so you don’t get strange looks. I’ll bet your kid’s spoiled rotten.”

    Me: “Actually, she is my sister. This is our night to have fun together. And I’m not on welfare. I actually work part time, and have a large scholarship for the university I attend. My sister isn’t spoiled. She’s very sweet and very smart.”

    Customer: “You’d like to think that wouldn’t you?”

    (My little sister interjects by talking to me.)

    Sister: “How old are you?”

    Me: “I’m 19.”

    Sister: “And I’m 10. If I was your baby, you’d be a mom at nine, right?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Sister: “She can’t be my mom. She’s not old enough. Maybe you should get new glasses.”

    (The other customer sputters for a moment, then walks away.)

    Me: “I think we should get some ice cream too.”

    Related:
    Shaming Special On The Pre-Wedding Aisle

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