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    I Spell Trouble

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Health & Body, Language & Words

    (I am making a cleaning appointment for a patient who has an unusual name.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you spell that for me?”

    Patient: “It’s ‘D’ as in dog, ‘A’ as in August, ‘I’ as in igloo, ‘J’ as in junkie…”

    (I have to have my coworker finish the call. I can’t breathe because I can’t stop laughing.)

    Gramps Grumps

    | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Love/Romance

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Old man: “MEAN!”

    Me: “Oh no, that’s no good.”

    Old man: “Yeah, it scares off all the pretty ladies.”

    Me: “Well, you don’t want to scare them off; that’s no good.”

    Old man: “I’m 80; I can’t do anything else with them. I might as well scare them away; makes it easier for me that way!”

    Kicking Off Over A Kicking Off

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I am cashing out a couple who is buying a laptop and some anti-virus software. We have a deal; if you purchase a computer, your anti-virus will be free for six months or $20 for one year. One of the store managers is coaching me.)

    Me: “So, would you like six months of free anti-virus or one year for $20?”

    Customer: “The guy back there told us it was $17!”

    Manager: “No, it is actually $20.”

    Customer: “SO HE LIED?!”

    Manager: “Seems like he did.”

    Customer: “I’M GOING TO GO BACK THERE AND KICK HIS A**!”

    Manager: “Go ahead.”

    (The customer, her husband, and I are all taken aback.)

    Customer: “…Really?”

    Manager: “Actually, let me go get him.”

    (My manager leaves my register, and heads to our computer department. The customer’s wife is now laughing while the husband starts to sweat.)

    Customer: “Is he coming back? I was just joking! I still want the one year. I’m sorry! I was just joking!”

    (The couple quickly pays and leaves before the manager comes back to my register.)

    The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (A customer is buying furniture to be delivered and assembled by our tech.)

    Customer: “I have cats, so whoever you send over must not be allergic.”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Make sure he’s a vegetarian, too.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “He has to have brown hair, and an earring, but no tattoos. He needs to be good at sports.”

    Me: “I don’t think we can do all that.”

    Customer: “He needs to know a language other than English.”

    Me: “You’re just kidding, right?”

    Customer: “Yes. Just stick with the no cat allergy request.”

    Me: “Alright then.”

    Give Pizza A Chance

    | Merseyside, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

    Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

    Me: “We’ve got over 30 different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

    Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

    Me: “A pizza with 30 toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

    Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

    Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

    Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

    Me: “Do you like olives?”

    Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

    Me: “Anchovies?”

    Customer: “What are they?”

    Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

    Customer: “Ugh, no!”

    (We repeat this for 25 more items.)

    Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in 30 minutes.”

    Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

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