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    Only Drunk On Victory

    | NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

    (I’m working an overnight cashier shift at a 24-hour grocery store. Since I’m not used to sleeping during the day, I haven’t gotten the best sleep, but I’m still functional. It’s about 6 am and a well-dressed customer comes to my register with coffee and bakery goods.)

    Me: *stifling a yawn* “Good morning. How are you?”

    Customer: “I’m good, and yourself?”

    Me: “Tired.”

    Customer: “Well why is that? Didn’t you sleep last night?”

    (I think he’s joking.)

    Me: “No, not at all. I’ve been up all night, but—”

    Customer: “And who’s fault is that?”

    Me: “Well, I guess I could blame my boss for scheduling me for this shift—”

    Customer: “No! It’s yours!”

    Me: “Um… what?”

    Customer: “That’s what’s wrong with you kids these days! You party all night, even though you know you have work early in the morning. Now you expect me to have sympathy for you because you have to work right after a party!”

    Me: “No, sir, I think you misunderstood—”

    Customer: “No! You listen to me, missy! I bet you’re still buzzed from that party!”

    Me: “I’ve been here all—”

    Customer: “I will be calling your store manager! I’ll tell them you came in for your shift drunk from that party you attended right before work! What do you have to say for yourself now?!”

    Me: “Well, I was trying to tell you before that I’ve been here all night long, working since 10:30 last night. I don’t do parties. To be honest, I’m not used to sleeping during the day. I am normally a morning person, so with my sleep cycle a little out of whack, coupled with the fact that I’m on the last hour of my eight-hour shift, I feel my tiredness is warranted. Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

    (The man instantly shuts up, and mumbles an apology. He doesn’t make eye contact with me as he cashes out and leaves. As tired as I am, the argument victory makes my last hour go by faster!)

    Peanuts Are High In Irony

    | NJ, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (A man comes in with his son, who looks to be about nine years old.)

    Customer: “Hi, do you guys cook anything in peanut oil? My son has a peanut allergy, and he can’t eat anything with peanuts.”

    Manager: “No, we don’t. He can have everything here except the salad, which has almond in it.”

    Customer’s Son: “Ooh dad, chocolate soda!”

    Customer: “What about the chocolate soda?”

    Manager: “Oh no, he can’t have that.”

    Customer: “Sorry, bud, how about the root beer instead?”

    (He orders their food and while they wait, his phone goes off.)

    Customer’s Phone: “IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME. PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!”

    (He quickly answers it while my coworkers and I are trying not to laugh. He looks a little embarrassed when he hangs up.)

    Customer: “Ha, sorry about that. I guess I should change my ring tone, huh?”

    Me: “No, I loved the irony!”

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am helping a customer who’s having an issue with his iPhone’s touch screen.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, what I’m going to try is a soft reboot. That usually fixes these issues.”

    (Another customer, who has been standing behind me, suddenly turns around.)

    Customer: “What? Ah h*** no! Let me have a look at that, ma’am.”

    (He suddenly rips the phone out of my hands.)

    Me: “Sir, please hand that back!”

    Customer: “All you have to do is just take the battery out, like so…”

    (He attempts to pry the casing off the back of the phone. Unfortunately on an iPhone, the battery cannot be removed that way, so he just ends up struggling fruitlessly with it for several seconds.)

    Me: “Sir, please can I just try—”

    Customer: “Butt out! Let’s see if this works…”

    (He jabs frantically at the screen, violently shakes the phone, then finally throws it on the floor, breaking the screen.)

    Customer: “Yeah, the d*** thing is FUBAR. You’re out of luck, buddy.”

    (He walks out.)

    Me: “Did that really just happen?”

    (Mercifully, my original customer has insurance, so we are able to get him a replacement phone.)

    Related:

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    Duh, A Deer

    | Levittown, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology

    (An elderly customer approaches me. She wants a game about duck hunting.)

    Me: “Did you want a game about duck hunting, or buck hunting?”

    (She keeps saying ‘duck’ at first, but then changes her mind.)

    Customer: “Bucks!”

    Me: “Okay, we have this one for $9.99. Did you also want a duck hunting game?”

    Customer: “Great, but what is the difference between duck hunting and buck hunting?”

    Me: “Well, in one game you hunt flying animals, and in the other one you hunt deer.”

    Customer: “Oh! What is the difference between ducks and bucks?”

    Me: “A duck is a bird, and a buck is a male deer.”

    Customer: “Oh, wow! So ducks are those flying animals that you see overhead at amusement parks, and bucks don’t fly at all?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Thank you so much! I’ll be back during this holiday season, just for you! You were so helpful!”

    (She leaves as loud and happy as ever.)

    Me: “Aaaand, I’m clocking out.”

    Lame Joke

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