(A mother comes in with two young sons. One is about seven, and the other about four.)

Mother: “I got you both candy. Now, no more fighting in the car.

Me: *to the kids* “Fighting in the car? Uh oh. Do you know what happens to kids who fight in the car?”

Boys: “No. What?”

Me: “They get left at gas stations. And do you know what we do with kids who get left here?”

Boys: *wide-eyed* “What?”

Me: “We put them to work. And we don’t give them the fun jobs; we make them clean the toilet!”

(By now the mom is just laughing.)

Boys: “We don’t want to stay here!”

Me: “Yeah. We make the really bad kids clean the toilets with their tongues!”

(I look up to the mom.)

Me: “That might buy you 15 minutes of them not fighting!”

Mom: *to her boys* “Guess you’d better behave so you don’t get left some where.”

Boys: “We’ll quit fighting!”

(Our restaurant is open 24 hours a day, and only closes for two days every year. One day in the middle of summer, we unexpectedly close for the day and open the next morning.)

Me: “Good morning, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Well you can get me the [meal] that I couldn’t get yesterday morning because you guys were closed!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Your total will be [total].”

Customer: “Well I think I should get it for free since you guys were closed. I mean, what was so d*** important you had to close in the middle of summer? What about all the people who need coffee before work and need to buy lunch?”

Me: “I can get the manager for you, but I highly doubt she will give you your meal for free.”

(I call the manager over and the customer explains again why he thinks his food should be free.)

Manager: “Sir, I know it was inconvenient for you and all our other customers, but the store was closed yesterday so we could attend a funeral for a beloved coworker that passed away two days ago. If you want compensation for the inconvenience you will have to take the matter up with God.”

(The customer doesn’t bother paying and just leaves the store. Thankfully, the majority of our customers are much nicer about the whole ordeal.)

(I manage the stock room at work. Most of the people I work with are larger, muscular men. We have one female on stock room staff. We jokingly call her ‘Pint Size,’ because despite the fact that she’s pretty small as a person, she can do the job as well as any of us, including heavy lifting. We have two new men starting today, because we’re getting more stuff in for fall/Halloween. We need time to train them before the big holiday rush. We’re processing a shipment.)

New Guy #1: “Hey, what happens when we have something we can’t lift on our own?”

Me: “You need to have someone help you. Why?”

([New Guy #1] points to a large box that says ‘caution: over 70 lbs’ on it.)

Me: “Um… if you can’t lift that, then leave it for one of the others.”

New Guy #2: “Naw, man we got this!”

(They try to lift it together, and can barely get it off the ground. ‘Pint Size’ has been watching the whole time.)

Pint Size: “Oh for the love of—I’ll do it.”

New Guy #1: *standing up to his full height and leering down at her* “This box is more than half your body weight. It’s not physically possible.”

Pint Size: “People routinely lift more than their own body weight on a regular basis.”

New Guy #2: “But you’re a girl.”

(‘Pint Size’ picks up the box without any trouble.)

Pint Size: “And you’re a weakling. Get out of the way.”

(They both stand there staring at her as she hoists the box up onto her shoulder and walks away. They end up being transferred to the sales floor because they end up being in the way more often than not, and they are completely unable to move any of the heavier items around the stock room.)

(It’s a slow day in the store, so one of my coworkers starts chatting with me while I clean the floor. The topic of conversation shifts to my hobby, which is writing.)

Coworker: “So, [name], what sort of things do you like to write?”

Me: “Oh, I dabble in a bit of everything, really. But mostly, I like to write fantasy.”

Coworker: *excitedly* “You mean, like sexual fantasies?!”

Me: *taken aback* “Umm… no. Like dragons and wizards. Think like Harry Potter or Lord Of The Rings. That kind of fantasy.”

Coworker: *disappointedly* “Oh… that’s weird.”

(I order my food, and I sit down and start watching an episode of ‘Doctor Who’ on my smartphone with my headphones. Another customer taps me on the shoulder. I turn around to see a girl in her late teens.)

Customer: “Is that Doctor Who?”

Me: “Yeah, are you a fan?!”

Customer: “No! I am asking you to shut it off!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because my church says that Doctor Who is evil, and I am asking you to shut it off.”

Me: “Umm, no, I am not turning it off. Besides, I have my headphones in, so you don’t have to watch it.”

Customer: “No, you have to respect my views and turn it off! It’s against my religion; it’s evil! Now turn it off!”

(The customer grabs for my phone. I pull my phone away before she can grab it.)

Me: “Don’t touch my phone!”

Customer: “Doctor Who is evil! They are trying to brain-wash our young minds! They want us to support gay marriage and be atheist!”

Me: “Well, if you really did understand Doctor Who, you would have seen that the Tenth Doctor was talking about Christmas, and he said that he was there when Jesus was born. Also the Doctor is very open-minded; he would save you even if you did call him evil.”

Customer: “DOCTOR WHO IS EVIL!”

(The customer continues screaming and cussing and eventually gets herself kicked out. Afterwards, one of the restaurant’s workers comes up to me.)

Worker: “Sorry about that.”

Me: “It’s okay!”

Worker: “Best Doctor?”

Me: “Four, duh!”

(We then high five, and I go my way.)