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    The Booger-inning Of A Beautiful Friendship

    | Hurst, TX, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m a customer in line at a pizza place. Most of the employees are Spanish speakers, but for the most part are bilingual. The cashier speaks in heavily accented, broken English, but is very sweet.)

    Me: “I’d like a slice of chee—”

    (A customer storms up to the counter, and begins screaming.)

    Customer: “I ordered my pizza five minutes ago! Why isn’t it ready?!”

    Cashier: “It is cooking.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t take five minutes to heat up a pizza! I want my money back, and I want my pizza right now!”

    Cashier: “It is in the oven; it will be soon.”

    Customer: “I can’t understand a word you’re saying! Get me your manager!”

    Cashier: “I am the manager.”

    Customer: “I can’t understand you! Are you even legal? I can’t believe this place hires w******s like you!”

    (I have had enough, and decide to intervene.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your pizza is still cooking. They prepare them totally from scratch when you order. Her race has nothing to do with how long it takes to cook pizza, and you owe her an apology!”

    Customer: “I don’t have to listen to you, you… you… booger face!”

    (She storms off without her pizza, and I got mine for free. The cashier calls me ‘booger-face’ every time I eat there now!)

    Window Pains

    | MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

    (A tenant in an office building calls the property management office. It’s autumn, and a bit chilly outside. Not every office in this building has a window, but hers does. Tenants pay more for the larger suites with windows.)

    Tenant: “Ever since the heat came on last week, my office has been stifling! Can’t the maintenance do anything?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the office suites do not have individual heat controls. However, I can put in a ticket for maintenance to come and adjust your overhead vent so you don’t have as much warm air coming in.”

    Tenant: “Well how long will that be? I’m dying in here!”

    Me: “Maintenance is usually able to complete their tickets in a day or two.”

    Tenant: “What? He can’t come today? This is completely ridiculous! How do you expect me to work, or see clients? I’m sweating!”

    Me: “Well, in the meantime, you could certainly crack a window. It’s nice and cool outside.”

    Tenant: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I PAY FOR!”

    This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 2

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Holidays, Top

    (There is a sizable line in the drive-thru. A rental car pulls up to order.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]; how can I serve you today?”

    (The customer and his wife proceed to order. They order a lot of food. The customer has a thick French accent, and I have to ask him to repeat a few things.)

    Customer: “How long is this going to take?”

    Me: “Well, we’re kind of busy; it will take about 15 minutes.”

    (I begin repeating the order back to the customer to verify that it’s right, but he pulls ahead while I’m still speaking. About 15 minutes later, he pulls up to the window. My coworker brings them their food when it is ready.)

    Coworker: “All right, so I have [order] for you.”

    Customer: “No, that’s wrong. We wanted [order].”

    (My coworker is fairly new, so I decide to take over. I send the revised order to the kitchen and ask them to remake it. Five minutes later, the order is done.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Here is your order.”

    Customer: “That’s not all; we want milkshakes, too.”

    (I am very frustrated with this customer, but I keep it under control and ring up the milkshakes. I took five years of French class in high school, so I can understand it fairly well.)

    Customer: *to wife, in French* “This place is terrible.”

    Customer’s Wife: “It’s so slow!”

    Customer: “And that skinny white boy is very rude.

    Customer’s Wife: “Don’t be mean; he’s probably not that smart.”

    (They laugh, and continue making fun of me. I finish making the milkshakes, and walk over to the window with a beaming, ear-to-ear smile.)

    Me: *in French* “Thank you for your business today.”

    (The man makes eye contact with me. His eyes are nearly bulging out of his head, as he realizes I have understood every word he and his wife said. I keep my eyes locked on his, and maintain my ghoulish grin.)

    Me: *in French* “It was a pleasure to serve you today.”

    Customer: *drops milkshakes in wife’s lap and accelerates away*

    Related:
    This Round He Lost (In Translation)

    Powerful Pictures

    | Plymouth, Devon, UK | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s a quiet day in the shop, so I’m busy prepping films to process. A middle-aged lady enters, so I put everything down and greet her.)

    Customer: “Hello, my love; do you print photos from digital cameras?”

    Me: “We do indeed! We just need your memory card or a USB cable if you have your camera with you.”

    Customer: “Oh, good! I’ve brought this in; my pictures are on it.”

    (She rummages around in her handbag, and finally places a small oblong of plastic on the counter.)

    Me: “I’m ever so sorry, but we’re not going to be able to get your photos from that.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! Why not?”

    Me: “This is your battery.”

    Putting The Security Into Social Security

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Top

    (I work as a collections agent for a major bank in the USA.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [major bank]; my name is Kevin. What can I—”

    Customer: “English, ass-h***! Speak English!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m speaking English.”

    Customer: “I just want to pay my [other bank's] credit card. My SSN is [number].”

    Me: “Ma’am you are calli—”

    Customer: “How you dare to interrupt me! My check account is [number] and my name is [name].”

    Me: “Miss, you are calling [major bank], not [other bank].”

    Customer: “What?! Who are you? Why are you calling me? I’m going to the police! I want your f****** name, and I want to speak with your supervisor before I go there and shoot someone!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (I mute the headset.)

    Customer: “What are you waiting for?!”

    Me: “I’m waiting for you to tell me why you need to speak to my supervisor. If it was because you called a wrong number and said all you personal info, or maybe because you cursed at me several times, or that you, in a recorded, federal monitored line, threatened to shoot me.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I didn’t say that!”

    (I check on the database for her full name with her SSN.)

    Me: “Okay, let me put you on hold so I can speak with my supervisor and call the police. Your full name is [full name], right? Your address is [address], and your phone is [phone number].”

    (The customer hangs up. I end up having a verbal warning from my boss, along with a free meal from him for “the funniest following-guidelines-call I have ever heard”.)

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