(I’m attending to a client that has her bag and other stuff on the counter, and has to fill out some forms.)

Me: “Do you mind if I attend to another client while you fill out the forms?”

Client #1: “Sure!”

(I call another client, and she has to fill out some forms as well, so I return to Client #1.)

Me: “All done. That will be €5.50.”

Client #1: “Where’s my money?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Client #1: “I had my money right here in the counter, and it’s gone!”

(We both look for the money, trying to figure out if it has fallen to the floor. Suddenly I look at [Client #2], and realize what has happened.)

Me: *to Client #2* “Ma’am, did you take the money that was on the counter?”

Client #2: *after a long pause* “Yes, I did.”

Client #1: “Why on earth would you do that?!”

Client #2: “Well, I didn’t know it was yours; I thought it was hers!” *points to me*

Me: “So that would make it okay?!”

Client #2: *happily* “Exactly!”

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(I bring four canvas bags to the checkout, and the cashier hands all of them to the bagger. I have fewer items in my cart than usual on this trip. As he’s finishing, the bagger stops and is visibly agitated.)

Bagger: “You have too many bags, sir.”

Me: “What?”

(His frustration turns to anger.)

Bagger: “You have TOO MANY BAGS! You don’t NEED THIS MANY BAGS!”

(He stops and looks as if he’s expecting a response.)

Me: “…okay.”

Bagger: “WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO HERE?”

(I snatch the two extra bags from him and head for the exit. He shouts after me.)

Bagger: “YOU HAVE TOO MANY BAGS!”

(I have ordered a large cheese pizza for my family, and after getting everyone settled at our table, I return to the counter to pick it up.)

Me: “Is the cheese pizza ready?”

Cashier: *asking the cook* “Hey, is that cheese ready to go?”

Cook: “Yeah, there’s a pepperoni already out. I just need to cut the cheese.”

(Both the cashier and I stare at the cook blankly.)

Cook: “Did I just say that?”

(My girlfriend is shopping in a dollar store near her work. I am running a bit late in picking her up. I show up, find her, and she shows me a Batman mask.)

Girlfriend: “I just had to get this.”

Me: “Pfft, lemme see it.”

(I put it over my face, and speak in an over-the-top, muffled Dark Knight voice.)

Me: “WHERE’S HARVEY?!”

(After two years of dating, making her smile when she’s sad is half the fun. Making her snort when she laughs is the other half.)

(My teacher’s last name is Gross.)

Gross: “Has anyone ever had bone marrow before?”

(I’m the only one to raise my hand.)

Gross: “What animal was it from? And did you like it?”

Me: “No. I vomited almost as soon as it hit my mouth. It’s disgusting.”

Gross: “Exactly! I don’t know how people like it. On this show, these women were buying piles of bone marrow and spreading it on everything.”

Girl: “That’s gross.”

Gross: “Hey! That’s offensive!”