(It is over 90 degrees outside. A customer comes in to buy an ice cream. He then goes into the bar across the road, and returns over an hour later.)

Customer: “I need to exchange this ice cream.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I just bought it a minute ago, and it’s melted!”

Me: “You were here over an hour ago. I can’t exchange it for you.”

Customer: “You d*** well better exchange it! It wasn’t melted when I bought it! It’s not my fault I left it in my car when I went to the bar!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t exchange it for you; it’s not our fault.”

Customer: “I just bought it! Give me my d*** money! You know what? I have an even better idea!”

(The customer slams the melted ice cream on the counter, and grabs a new one from the cooler.)

Customer: “Give me a f****** bag that will prevent this from melting!”

Me: “It’ll be [price] for the ice cream, and I don’t think those exist.”

Customer: “I’m not paying for this! You are f****** giving it to me for free, b****!”

Me: “Not happening. I’ll be more then happy to call the owner for you.”

Customer: “Get his fat ugly a** down here! I’ll have you fired for this!”

(I step back to call for the owner.)

Me: “DAD!”

(My 6’3″, 300-pound dad walks out from the back room.)

Dad: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: * grabs the melted ice cream and runs out of the door*

(I’m standing in line at a large retail store. There are about three people in front of me. There are the only two registers open in the entire store, but because of the amount of people, it’s all converged into one long line. A customer walks forward, and lets out a large ‘HUMPH’ when she sees the length of the line. She then starts to walk in front of everyone in line to the front-most register. She’s blocked at the point of entry into the checkout line by a teenage boy reading a magazine off the display rack.)

Customer: “Are you standing in both lines?”

(The question startles the boy. It looks as though he is about to move forward to get out of her way, until he sees at the disgusted look on her face. He changes his mind and smirks.)

Teenager: “Yup!”

Customer: “Humph! You’re standing in both lines?”

(The teenage boy then gets a rather painful look on his face, and rips out a loud fart. He just smiles at the customer. Everyone in line starts to laugh. Both cashiers have actually stopped scanning items in amazement.)

Customer: “Humph!”

(The woman leaves her entire cart—which must have taken over an hour to fill—at the checkout and walks out. She gives the stink-eye to the boy, who is still smiling.)

Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi! I just received my new computer, and the button on the CD tray doesn’t work properly.”

Me: “Okay, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I press the button, and the tray opens. I put the CD in, but when I press the button to close the tray, nothing happens.”

Me: “Okay, so the tray is open now?”

Customer: “No, it’s closed now.”

Me: “How did you close it?”

Customer: “Oh, I just gave it a punch!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I work at a design firm. A few of our designers have special design achievements that are abbreviated in initials in a smaller script after their name on their business card. I am working in our showroom when a customer comes up to me with a question.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I am looking for the young man I was talking to earlier.”

Me: “Sure, we have several male designers here. Do you remember his name?”

Customer: “No, but he gave me his business card.”

(She looks around confused for a moment, then her face lights up when she remembers something.)

Customer: “He has really small nipples!”

Me: “Excuse me!”

Customer: “Nipples.”

Me: “Uhm… anything more descriptive?”

(A look of horror crosses her face as she realizes what she has said.)

Customer: “Initials! After his name on his card, he has really small initials.”