November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Archive for 2013

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How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

| UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”

Bigotry Does Not Check Out

| NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry

(A male customer cuts in line at the check-out during Black Friday.)

Customer: “B****! Get off your lazy a** and bag my items!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You heard me! Or didn’t you? All you woman are as useless as—”

Next Customer: “Pardon my interruption, but you do realize you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you mother… A WOMAN? You call that useless?”

(The customer leaves quickly, without eye contact.)

It’s A Strange World After All

| Orlando, FL, USA | History, Tourists/Travel

(I work at Walt Disney World.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Guest: “Yeah, is Walt Disney going to be in the afternoon parade?”

(After a short silence, I realize he’s not kidding.)

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but… Walt Disney died in 1966.”

Guest: “What!? Then is his brother in the parade?”

Me: “No, sir, his brother is dead, too.”

Guest: “Then one of his sons?”

Me: “Walt didn’t have any sons, sir.”

Guest: “Well then, who’s head of the company?”

Me: “Bob Iger, sir.”

Guest: “…then why isn’t it called Bob Iger World?”

To Her Question You Say Neigh

| Perth, WA, Australia | Pets & Animals

(I work at a motoring and leisure store that sells car accessories and camping gear.)

Me: “Welcome to [auto store]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Hi there! I just need some help. I’m after a horse for my daughter and I was wondering if you had any white ones?”

Me: “…I’m sorry; did you say you wanted a horse?”

Caller: “Yes, a white one!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is an auto store; we don’t sell horses, or any animals for that matter.”

Caller: “Of course you do; you guys are that huge blue store in the complex. I buy bird seed from you every month!”

(I’m confused, because we are a large blue store, but we certainly don’t sell bird seed.)

Me: “I can guarantee you we don’t sell bird seed, or horses.”

Caller: “But you’re the blue store!”

(I cover the phone and explain her request to my co-worker, who looks very amused. He takes the phone.)

Coworker: “Hi, ma’am, my coworker has explained your situation to me. I believe you may be talking about [pet and garden supply store]. They are in the same complex, and they are a blue store. I assume that’s where you bought your bird seed from.” *pauses while the caller is talking* “Not a problem, ma’am, but I don’t think they sell horses. In fact they only sell fish, and pet and garden supplies.”

(He pauses again, and puts the speaker-phone on.)

Caller: “…and they are going to sell me a HORSE, d*** it!” *click*

Desperately Needs Change In His Life

| USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

(I work at an amusement park. They are very strict about the money, and I am the head cashier. It’s about 100 degrees out, and there’s a long line of about 100 people waiting to place an order. A customer rudely cuts everyone in line, and starts talking to me.)

Rude Customer: “Hey bud, can you give me four quarters for a dollar?”

Customer In Line: “Hey, I was in line!”

Rude Customer: “Relax, I’ll only be a second.”

(The customer ignores the rest of the customers complaints.)

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry; we’re not allowed to open the register.”

Rude Customer: “Aw, come on man! I just need four quarters.”

Me: “Well, if you want change, you can go to the customer service desk at the front of the park.”

Rude Customer: “Are you f****** serious!? It’s 100 f****** degrees outside; I am not going to the other side of the d*** park, you a**-wipe!”

Customer In Line: “Dude, no need to be a jack-a**. Plus, you cut in line anyways.”

Rude Customer: “Mind your own business you old lady. Dude, seriously, give me my f****** change for a dollar!”

(My manager overhears.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Rude Customer: “I need change for this f****** dollar, and your stupid-a** cashier won’t do it.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to make change for a dollar. You need to go to the front of the park and go to customer service. They’ll do i—”

Rude Customer: “I was already f****** told that! And I already said, I am not walking all the f****** way over there!”

Customer In Line #2: “Dude, shut the f*** up already! We’re waiting in line for food, and clearly you’re not getting your change!”

Rude Customer: “Mind your own d*** business! I need it ’cause my girlfriend is on her f****** period!”

Customer In Line #3: “Here’s a stupid quarter you a**-wipe!”

(Customer In Line #3 proceeds to throw quarters at the customer who cut in line. The customer then proceeds to pick up the quarters. My manager bends over the counter and looks down at the man.)

Manager: “You have 10 minutes to get your girlfriend her tampon, and out of my park, before I call security!”

(The customers in line start clapping as he runs away, with no girlfriend in sight!)