Me: “Hi, welcome to [establishment]; what can I get for you today?”

Customer: *angrily* “I would like to speak to a manager immediately.”

(I go to the bathroom door where our manager is. She is currently feeling unwell, and thinks that she might be sick. I let her know someone is looking for a manager. I then return to the counter.)

Me: “She will be up here in just a moment; is there anything I can do?”

Customer: “Yes, you can tell your f****** manager to hurry it up! She’s so d*** fat, she takes forever to get up here.”

Me: “Well, I can imagine that being pregnant and being sick would make you a little larger and slower.”

Customer: “Oh…” *hastily leaves*

(We can do urinalysis testing for anyone, for any reason. A client comes in with his mom, carrying a Gatorade bottle. He puts the bottle on my desk.)

Client: “Can you test this?”

(I realize that the bottle is filled with urine. Normally we have to supervise the test being taken, but his mom says it’s fine and his testing is voluntary anyway. I shrug and take the sample into the back to process it, and throw the bottle away in a biohazard bag. I come back to my desk.)

Me: “Alright, the lab will test the sample, and you guys are good to go.”

(The mom leaves, but the client just stands there.)

Me: “Um, is there something else you need?”

Client: “Can I have my water bottle back?”

(I am a lifeguard at a public pool. While guarding the diving boards, I hear a loud smack from behind me. I turn to see two children who look to be about 10 or 11, standing in line for the high dive, yelling at each other.)

Me: “Excuse me, is there a problem?”

Boy: “YEAH! She hit me!”

Girl: “NO! He hit me first!”

Boy: “Nuh-uh! You hit ME first!”

(I look and see that both children have red marks on their face, as if they were recently slapped. However, I have no way of finding out who started this fight.)

Me: “Excuse me, but—”

Woman In Line: “Send them to the back of the line! Punish those brats!”

Me: *to woman* “Don’t worry, ma’am; I’ve got this situation under—”

Boy: “You can’t send me to the back! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

(The boy runs off in terror.)

Girl: “I’m not going to the back of the line! You can’t make me! I’ve been in line FOREVER!”

Me: “I’m not going to send you to the back if the line. I just—”

Girl: “I’m not going to the back of the line!”

Me: “I didn’t say—”

Girl: “I’M NOT GOING! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! I’M TELLING MY DADDY ABOUT THIS, YOU F*****!”

(The girl stomps away to get her father. A few minutes later, a rather large and intimidating man comes up to me.)

Man: “Look, I’m sorry for how my daughter acted. We’ve been trying to teach her some manners. Don’t worry about it.”

(Later, I find out that the man called the lead lifeguard, and I got officially commended!)

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “From Quebec.”

Customer: “Quebec? Is that the province that speaks French?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But how come you can speak in English?”

Me: *looking at him in disbelief*

Customer: “And when you started to speak in English, did you choose to have a French accent?”

This story is part of our “Where are you from?” roundup!

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(A three-year-old girl is waiting with her family for her turn to see the doctor. She is entertaining herself by singing.)

Girl: “I wonder what your name is; I wonder what’s your name? My name’s [name]! Hello, hello, hello. I wonder what your name is; I wonder what’s your name?” *approaches my desk* “What’s YOUR name, b****?”

Me: *speechless*