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    Archive for 2013

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    Driving The Point Home

    | Robeline, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Themed Giveaway

    Customer #1: “Man, that’s a nice car. I’d love to have it.”

    (I glance out the window and see my brother’s friend pull up to a gas pump in his ’69 Chevelle. He is a young black man. I am grinning as I turn to the two of them.)

    Me: “Don’t even ask if he’ll sell it to you, because he won’t do it.”

    Customer #2: “Hmph. I wonder how someone like him got a nice car like that.”

    Me: “His family brought it with them when they moved here from California. It was basically a piece of junk, but he restored it with his dad.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, is that so? How would you know?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s so. He’s a good guy, and happens to be one of my brother’s best friends. He and his cousin would come to our house all the time when we were in high school, and they’re both like brothers to me. I don’t like that you’re trying to imply he got that car by stealing it, or doing something illegal to get it, just because he’s black!”

    Customer #2: “Well, I… I… uh…”

    (Customer #2 leaves quickly. Customer #1 is left laughing.)

    Me: “Serves him right for being a bigot!”

    Sounds Like Hell’s Kitchen

    | New York, NY, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (I receive a call from an irate customer demanding a manager. I page one over.)

    Manager: “Yes, ma’am… Dear me! I am truly sorry to hear that ma’am. When did this take place?… And do you remember who it was who helped you?… Well, do you remember anything about them physically?”

    (He pulls out his notepad, and jots down the following: BLONDE, MALE, OVER SIX FEET TALL, PALE SKIN, GREEN EYES, MOLE ON CHEEK, DIRTY SUIT. By the end, he’s looking at the list in disbelief.)

    Manager: “Um… ma’am, are you sure this happened at [kitchen store]?… No of course not! But you see, there’s no one working here who fits the description you’ve given me… Well for starters, we don’t have any blonde males working here… Okay, well did they have black or brown hair then?… Well, again ma’am, do you remember anything definite?… Ma’am, I’m sorry for the trauma you suffered, but there are currently 30 employees working here… I need something more than… What?… No, ma’am, I will not brutally interrogate each and every one of them to find out if maybe one of them helped you pick out a knife! If you can remember anything definite about who it was you encountered here, I will do all I can to help… excuse me?… Ma’am, if you don’t stop with the racial slurs, I’m going to terminate this call… Very well, then this is officially a legal matter and I can no longer talk to you. Have a nice day!”

    (He hangs up, and takes an enormous breath.)

    Manager: “Okay, well this is going to make for an interesting week.”

    (He takes his notes, and heads into his office.)

    The Sweetest Thing Isn’t The Candy

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (A young boy—about seven or eight years old—walks up to my register. He is all alone, and without his parents.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

    (The boy puts $7 on the counter.)

    Boy: “Hi, ma’am, do I have enough money to buy this candy?”

    Me: “Yes, you do, and you have some left over!”

    Boy: “Oh, really? Well do I have enough to buy two?”

    Me: “Yes, you do!”

    Boy: “Alright, I’ll get two! My brother is sick today, and he couldn’t come to the movie. I want to get him something so he doesn’t feel left out.”

    Me: “That’s very nice of you!”

    Boy: “I just felt bad for him. Well, thank you very much, ma’am. I really appreciate it. Have a good day!”

    (He is the nicest customer I have all day, not to mention the youngest!)

    Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs

    | England | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

    Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

    (She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

    Me: “Okay?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

    Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

    Me: “I’m not?”

    (I call out to my boyfriend.)

    Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

    (The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

    Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

    Me: “What was your first clue?”

    Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

    Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

    (Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

    Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

    Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

    Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

    (Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)

    Are You Trying To Rip Me Off?

    20100327-milkcomic


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