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    A Garden Needs A Good Offence

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Home Improvement

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

    (She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

    (I am 21, but look younger.)

    Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

    (I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

    Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

    Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

    (I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

    Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

    Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

    Momma Raised Him Right

    | Twin Cities, MN, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Holidays

    (It’s the night before Mother’s Day, and around 3 am we get a large shipment of roses. A young customer comes in and sees the huge display, which has over 100 bouquets.)

    Young Customer: “Oh man! You’re killing me with all these flowers!”

    Me: “What?”

    Young Customer: “I just gotta get some!”

    (He grabs a full bouquet of a dozen roses plus a single rose, and then comes up to my register.)

    Young Customer: “My momma always told me that if you give a lady a rose on Mother’s Day, it’ll make her smile the whole day long, don’t even matter if she’s a mother or not. I’m gonna make 13 lucky ladies smile today!”

    Me: “Aww, that’s so sweet!”

    (I finish ringing him up, and he turns to leave. Suddenly, he turns around and hands me the single rose.)

    Young Customer: “You’re lady number 1!”

    (He then runs out the door before I can think of anything to say. I have to admit though, I really did end up smiling all day because of it!)

    No Benefit Can Come From This

    | USA | Money, Musical Mayhem

    (A very common occurrence at music/guitar stores, is people buying guitar strings for prison style tattoo guns. While not illegal, it is stupid, and can be dangerous.

    Customer: “Hey man, I need an F string.”

    Me: “E,A,D,G B,E… there isn’t such a thing as an F string.”

    Customer: “Oh, I need… uhm… the smallest one.”

    Me: “Is it for tattooing?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Man, it’s not illegal, but steel strings can contain residual nickel content from manufacturing. If the person you use it on is allergic to nickel—which is common—they will have a horrible reaction. Go to a smoke shop; they have needles there.”

    (The customer leaves for 20 minutes, and then comes back in.)

    Customer: “I need that string.”

    (I direct him to the counter where strings are sold. My coworker rings him up. He leaves again without the string. I speak to my coworker.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Coworker: “The card the customer presented for the $0.85 transaction was declined.”

    (A few minutes pass. An angry young woman storms in.)

    Woman: “I demand to see the manager! My boyfriend used my state benefits card to try and buy a guitar string!”

    (I can guess what has happened. The state had to freeze her benefits card, since it was used to try and buy something other than food.)

    Woman: “You froze my card; how the f*** am I supposed to buy milk for my d*** baby?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, we don’t have the authority to freeze your card.”

    Woman: “My boyfriend used it here, and you declined him! Now my f****** card won’t work at all!”

    Manager: “Again, we can’t freeze your card. The state probably flagged it for misuse.”

    Woman: “I can’t even buy f****** gas to get home, because I need f****** milk for my d*** baby! How am I going to f****** get home?”

    Manager: “That’s not our responsibility, and I have to ask you to stop cursing in front of my other customers.”

    (The woman immediately turns demure.)

    Woman: “I’m sorry; I just can’t afford gas and milk.”

    Manager: “But the guitar string was a necessity?”

    Woman: “No, I guess not.”

    (She leaves. I almost wanted to feel sorry for her, but it was impossible, given her terrible attitude and misuse of the system.)

    He Has Beef With You

    | KS, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Geography

    (An elderly man walks up to the toppings bar.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. Miss?”

    Me: “What can I help you with, sir?”

    Customer: “Have you got anything with meat in it?”

    (This is a frozen yogurt bar. We have various kinds of fruity and sweet yogurts and toppings. No one would usually expect to find meat anywhere.)

    Me: “Um, no, sir. Sorry about that.”

    Customer: “F****** vegans and vegetarians are taking over the whole f****** world! You haven’t got anything with some beef in it?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s actually a kind of unusual request because this is basically dessert stuff.”

    Customer: “I’m an American! I ain’t a vegetarian! I eat meat in my dessert because this is America, d*** it!”

    (The customer throws his yogurt on the floor, making a huge mess. The next customer jumps out of the way, then resumes getting toppings while I clean.)

    Customer #2: “Just when you think you’ve seen it all!”

    Pumped Up About Not Pumping Up

    | TN, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (A customer is yelling and swearing at the new cashier, insisting that the amount of gas he put in his car wasn’t the amount he was charged. The cashier is getting a little frazzled.)

    Me: “Hey, what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This d*** store gave me less gas than I paid for! The pump is wrong!”

    Me: “So, wait. You mean that you bought a pre-set amount of gas, pumped it, and you think the pump gave you the wrong amount?”

    Customer: “Yes! My tank should be full, and it’s not!”

    Me: “Sir, those gas pumps are federally regulated. I happen to know—for a fact—that you actually get slightly more than you pay for, just so this sort of thing doesn’t happen.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid; this is none of your business, b****!”

    (He turns to the cashier.)

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Cashier: “Sir, he’s in Puerto Rico.”

    Customer: “Well, I need to talk to him now!”

    Cashier: “From Puerto Rico?”

    Customer: “Yes, you d*** b****!”

    Me: “[Cashier], don’t call him.”

    Customer: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing? I said call him!”

    Me: “Well, sir, she could call him. But I really doubt he’d be willing to help you after you cussed out his employee and his daughter.”

    (The customer storms out and returns a few minutes later. I’m about to threaten to call the police, when he passes the cashier a $20 bill.)

    Customer: “I, uh, forgot to pump it, sorry.”

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