(My little sister and I are watching ‘Les Misérables’ while she eats some particularly delicious chocolate. I hit her over the head with my book and she keels over and leans on me.)
Sister: “I am mortally wounded. I shall die.”
Me: “If you die, Éponine, do I get your chocolate?”
Sister: *grabs her chocolate* “Mais non!” *French for ‘No way!’*
(I’m working alone at a smaller store in a well-known local chain. Only two of the 20 locations in the state sell shoes, but people always ask. I’m ringing up a customer when the phone rings.)
Me: “Sorry, I have to grab that.”
Customer: “Okay! No problem.”
Me: “Thank you for calling [store] in Kent; how can I help you?”
(Silence.)
Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [store] in Kent.”
Caller: *screaming* “HI, DO YOU GUYS HAVE SHOES?”
Me: “Sorry, no, the only stores that have shoes are [location] and [location].”
Caller: “ARE YOU SURE?”
Me: “…yeah, you have to go to either [location] or [location] if you want shoes.”
Caller: “I DON’T LIKE THAT ANSWER.”
Me: “Sorry, but that’s the only one I have for you. Anything else I can do for you tonight?”
Caller: “NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN! UGH!” *click*
Me: “Well, okay then…”
Customer: *laughing* “Sounds like you’re having a great night so far!”
(We’re having a planning meeting to discuss a major new project.)
Supervisor: “This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one.”
Coworker: “And it will make us cry a lot.”
(I am mopping the floor when a customer walks in and proceeds to slip and fall.)
Customer: “I’M GOING TO SUE! You could have KILLED ME!”
Me: “Sir, there’s just two things wrong with your plan. One, I have ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs all over the store.”
Customer: “Well I didn’t see them! I think I broke my leg!”
Me: “Regardless, the store is released of all liability because they are out in highly visible places, and you just fell by one.”
Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER, NOW!”
Me: “The other thing wrong with your plan is that I haven’t mopped over there yet. The floor is dry.”
(The customer gets up on his ‘broken’ leg and scurries out.)
(Rent is due on the 1st of each month, and late after the 5th. After the 5th, a late fee applies. Today is the 6th.)
Tenant: “Here’s my rent. I was going to drop my money order in the drop slot last night but I got tied up late at work and was too tired to drive over. I’m sorry. Can you waive the late fee?”
Me: “Well, let me see. Hmm, the date the money order was printed on was today, the 6th. So you just lied to my face.”
Tenant: *completely unashamed* “Ha ha. Well… yeah. You know.”
Me: “No, I don’t know.” *hands back rent* “Please come back when you have the additional late fee.”
Tenant: “That’s just wrong! It’s only a day!”
Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the lying that’s wrong here.”
Tenant: *slams door and leaves in indignant huff* “I’m going to call your boss and have you fired. Oooh, and you’re racist!”
