(I’m on my way home. The bus is half empty. A teenage boy with his pants half way down gets up and goes to the door, waiting for the bus to stop. He passes by a mother with a four-year-old daughter.)

Daughter: “Mum, that guy wants to sleep with men!”

Mother: “Oh god, no! Why do you think so?”

Daughter: “Because dad said that only f****** in the prison wear their pants this way.”

Mother: “No, honey, he isn’t a f*****, and the word is ‘gay,’ not ‘f*****.'”

Daughter: “No, mum. ‘Gay’ is someone like Uncle Tommy who likes Uncle Charlie. F***** is someone who doesn’t know how to pull up his pants and wants to sleep with men. Dad told me.”

Mother: “… I think I need to talk with your father.”

(My little sister and I are watching ‘Les Misérables’ while she eats some particularly delicious chocolate. I hit her over the head with my book and she keels over and leans on me.)

Sister: “I am mortally wounded. I shall die.”

Me: “If you die, Éponine, do I get your chocolate?”

Sister: *grabs her chocolate* “Mais non!” *French for ‘No way!’*

(My sister’s son has just turned three, and we stop by with presents. One of the presents I buy him is a remote controlled gorilla.)

Me: “Is the gorilla switched off? It’s not working.”

Sister: “You have to aim it at his butt. His sensor is in his butt.”

(I keep fiddling with the gorilla.)

Sister: “So is mine.”

Me: “Huh?”

Sister: “That doesn’t even really mean anything, but it sounds dirty!”

(I am working with my mother at her hardware store, and helping one of the employees with a remodel. The night before, I’d gone to a local bar with my male best friend. I’m female.)

Employee: “By the way, I saw you with your husband last night. Why haven’t you ever introduced us to him?”

(I am blank faced, wondering if my boyfriend had come down from Las Vegas and I had somehow magically forgotten.)

Me: “Husband?”

Mom: “[Employee], she’s not married.”

Employee: “But you were sitting at a bar with that man! Why were you at a bar with a man who’s not your husband?”

Me: “Oh! You mean [Best Friend]. We’d just gone to a movie and didn’t want to go home yet, so—”

Employee: “Why are you going to movies with someone who’s not your husband?”

Me: “Because he’s my best friend?”

Employee: “But your husband!”

Me: “I don’t have a husband.”

Employee: “Yes you do! You’re 23; you have to be married by now. Why are you going to bars with men you’re not married to?”

Mom: “I think you need to leave now, [Employee]. My daughter’s relationships are none of your business.”

Employee: “But don’t you worry about her going out with strange men?”

Mom: “[Best Friend] is not a strange man; he’s practically my son and he’s been my daughter’s best friend for almost 20 years.”

Employee: “Men and women can’t be friends!”

Me: “I’ve got 20 years of history that begs to differ.”

(The employee eventually ends up getting fired, and my best friend and I now joke about being in an incestuous marriage.)

(I’m working alone at a smaller store in a well-known local chain. Only two of the 20 locations in the state sell shoes, but people always ask. I’m ringing up a customer when the phone rings.)

Me: “Sorry, I have to grab that.”

Customer: “Okay! No problem.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [store] in Kent; how can I help you?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [store] in Kent.”

Caller: *screaming* “HI, DO YOU GUYS HAVE SHOES?”

Me: “Sorry, no, the only stores that have shoes are [location] and [location].”

Caller: “ARE YOU SURE?”

Me: “…yeah, you have to go to either [location] or [location] if you want shoes.”

Caller: “I DON’T LIKE THAT ANSWER.”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s the only one I have for you. Anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Caller: “NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN! UGH!” *click*

Me: “Well, okay then…”

Customer: *laughing* “Sounds like you’re having a great night so far!”