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    Clever Vs. Clever

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    Those Taste Bad

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    An Upgrade Is In Her Suite Dreams

    | MI, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

    (Our hotel rules state that while pets are not allowed, we make exceptions for service animals. A blind guest checks in with his Seeing Eye dog. I ask my coworker to take care of him, as I have a slight pet allergy. Not more than an hour later, another guest comes rushing towards me at the front desk, gasping and wheezing terribly.)

    Guest: “There…” *gasps* “…is …a f****** dog in the hotel!”

    Me: “Yes, it belongs to a man who’s legally blind.”

    Guest: *coughs* “You said on your website that you don’t allow pets! I demand to be moved! I have severe allergies!” *gasps for breath* “That d*** mutt could kill me!”

    (I’m stumped by this, as the guest in front of me is in a room on the second floor, while we checked the man with the service dog in on a room on the opposite end of the third floor. Nevertheless, she looks to be in a bad state, so I do my best to help.)

    Me: “Well we can certainly do that. I have another single bedroom on the fourth floor, far away from where there’ll be any—”

    Guest: “No!” *coughs* “I want a suite! I deserve a free room at least for having my life endangered like this!”

    (She grabs the desk and dramatically clutches her throat.)

    Guest: “Merciful Jesus…” *gasp* “…can’t f****** breathe!”

    Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you sit down while I call 911. Where in your room do you have your medication, so we can at least give you something to help while we wait?”

    Guest: “Medication? I don’t have any medication.”

    Me: “Your allergies are so severe that you’re suffering an attack, despite not even being on the same floor as the person with the dog. Yet you don’t have anything to help treat your condition?”

    (The guest noticeably stops with all the coughing and gasping, and looks at me.)

    Me: “I myself suffer from pet allergies, albeit minor ones. Even I had to go in the back and take something when that man came to check in with his dog.”

    Guest: “So… you’re not going to give me a free suite?”

    Me: “The only ones currently available are on the third floor. If anything, you’d be exposing yourself to even greater danger by being in closer proximity to the dog.”

    Guest: “God f****** d*** it!”

    (The guest storms out, apparently now feeling much better.)

    Doesn’t Have The Balls

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a spay/neuter clinic. One of my responsibilities is to explain the procedure to the customers when they drop their pets off in the morning, and give them care instructions when they pick their pets up that afternoon. I am explaining proper care of the surgical site to a young woman who has had her dog neutered. I lift the dog up to show where his stitches are located.)

    Customer: “Oh my God! Where are his balls?!”

    Me: “We removed them, ma’am. That’s… that’s what neutering is.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I thought you were just going to… I don’t know, tie his tubes or something.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I explained the procedure to you this morning. When a dog is neutered, we remove the testicles.”

    Customer: “Can you put them back?”

    Me: “… I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Can you put his testicles back?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid once they’re gone, they’re gone for good.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, where are they?”

    Me: “Where are…?”

    Customer: “His balls.”

    Me: “We… removed them.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but can I have them?”

    Me: “WHAT?!”

    Customer: “Can I, like, have them?”

    Me: “NO!”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Ma’am, they’re medical waste. We have to dispose of them properly by law.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because… of the law.”

    Customer: “Okay, whatever.”

    (After she’s gone, one of the other techs confirmed what he thought he had overheard from across the room.)

    Other Tech: “What on earth do you think she wanted to do with them?”

    Pestering Pests About Rodents At Rest

    | MN, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I take a phone call.)

    Caller: “I’ve got a hamster I need you to get rid of!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t get rid of hamsters.”

    Caller: “Well why not? Isn’t it just a rodent?”

    Me: “Yes, I think it might be, but it’s domesticated. We don’t get rid of domesticated animals.”

    Caller: “But it’s dead.”

    Me: “It’s dead?”

    Caller: “Yeah! It’s dead behind the stove!”

    Me: “Well, we don’t just come pick up dead animals; we really cant help you.”

    Caller: “Okay. Thanks anyway.”

    (The caller hangs up. I turn around to a coworker intending to tell her about my weird call. She holds up her finger, puts someone on hold, and blows out a huge sigh.)

    Coworker: “Hey! I’m going to need a manager! This lady wants to know why we can’t prevent birds from landing in her yard!”

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