(It is Mother’s Day, and my mother has had a hard and disappointing day. Due to a failed dinner by her husband, I take her to a fast-food restaurant at about 9pm. She starts speaking at the counter.)

Mom: “Happy Mother’s Day to me, at [fast food restaurant] at nine at night.”

Cashier: “Yeah, I’ve been here all day.”

Mom: “Oh, really!? Wow.”

(We finish ordering and eat our food. As we are leaving, my mother is staring into the kitchen. The cashier, thinking we need something, comes over. We wave her away. We get into the car, but my mother stops me from starting the engine.)

Mom: “I have decided we should do something for the woman in there. Here I was complaining, while they have been working all day. They probably weren’t able to spend time with their families.”

(We drive to the nearby store. She buys two bouquets of flowers, and two boxes of chocolates. We go back to the restaurant. My mom approaches the cashier.)

Mom: “You’re a mother, aren’t you?”

Cashier: “Yes, I am.”

Mom: “Well, I thought you deserved these.”

(Mom gives the woman the flowers and chocolates. The cashier thanks her repeatedly, looking on the verge of tears. My mother leaves feeling a lot better. Even though her day wasn’t what she had hoped it would be, she at least got to make someone else’s better.)

(I am at the midnight release for the video game “Final Fantasy XIII” with my friends. I don’t have a console that can play the game, but the store lets people purchase the release event promotional posters beforehand. There is only one poster in the store, and I had bought it a few days earlier. I’m also friends with most of the staff who are working there, including the manager.)

Customer: “Can I also buy that promotional poster?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but it has already been purchased.”

Customer: “There is no way it’s been purchased; it’s still there on the wall.”

Cashier: “It was purchased a week ago, but it just hasn’t been picked up yet.”

Customer: “So, just sell it to me; you’ll make twice the money.”

Cashier: “Sir, I can’t sell the poster, since it isn’t ours anymore.”

Customer: “I will give you twice what the other guy paid.”

(The customer is starting to get angry, so another cashier steps in.)

Cashier #2: “Didn’t you hear her? We can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Fine! If you won’t sell it to me, then I’ll just take it!”

(Both the manager and I have heard this. I decide to get my poster before this man does, and I catch the manager’s attention. I also just happen to be dressed like Auron from ‘Final Fantasy X’. I jump from my spot in line, and draw my fake sword.)

Me: “Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Don’t look to others for knowledge; this is your story.”

Customer: “I get it, but you are not getting that poster before I do!”

Me: “Every story must have an ending.”

(While this is going on, the manager takes the poster down, and puts it behind the counter. The customer gets to the spot where the poster had been, and looks at me, surprised.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I’m Captain Basch!”

(The customer stomps off angrily. The whole store gets a big laugh when I do actually pick up the poster.)

(I am ordering fast-food with my friend. He does not like tomato or pickles, and I do not like onions or pickles.)

Friend: “I’ll have a burger with no tomato and no pickles.”

(The employee takes rest of his order, and then it’s my turn.)

Me: “I’ll have a tomato; no pickle, no onions.”

Employee: “What?”

Me: “I’ll have a tomato; no pickle, no onions.”

Employee: “What?”

(I get agitated, wondering what’s so difficult.)

Me: “I want a tomato; no pickle, no onions!”

Friend: “Dude, what are you saying?”

Me: “I said I want a tomato with no pickle and no onions—”

(I finally realize what I’ve been saying.)

Me: “Wait… wow… sorry! I’ll have a burger, with no pickle and no onions.”

(We all burst out laughing at my silliness.)

(I am Scottish. After serving a Vietnamese family, another customer approaches and leans over the counter to whisper.)

Customer: “It’s like trying to play a game of ‘Spot the Australian’ in here at the moment. There are so many foreigners around; know what I mean?”

(Not missing a beat, I lean back over towards the customer and speak in my strongest Scottish accent.)

Me: “Oh, I know ma’am! The bloody foreigners are everywhere! Jeez, sometimes you can never tell when you’re going to bump into one, hey?”

Customer: “Oh… oh my… I am so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

(The customer is very quiet for the remainder of the transaction, before apologising once more and leaving the store in a hurry.)

Coworker: “You’re a very bad man sometimes dude. I love it.”