(I am an eight-year-old girl. My family is having dinner.)

Dad: “So, what did you learn about in school today? Anything interesting?”

Me: “Yeah! We learned in science class about sea animals!”

Mom: “Sea animals, you mean like fish and clams?”

Me: “No, like octopus!”

Dad: “And what did you learn about them?”

Me: “That they have these really long arms; the teacher called them a funny name. Tent… test… testicles!”

Mom: *nearly spits out her mouthful*

Me: “What?”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s what you meant, honey.”

(My friends and I have decided to try this new restaurant in town after work. Our waitress has been quite rude and has been blatantly ignoring us for the most part. After bringing us the wrong food, and actually taking out her phone to text someone while we complain, we ask for the manager.)

Waitress: “Fine, but he won’t do nothing. My dad’s the owner.”

(The waitress smirks and walks away. The manager comes over, and listens to our complaints, looking completely exasperated.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry about your experience today; there will be no charge for your meals. If you would like to order something else, I’ll oversee it myself. Again, no charge.”

Me: “Is her dad really the owner?”

Manager: *rubbing his temples* “Yes. I wish there was more I could do; my apologies.”

(We elect to leave and go somewhere else. As we get up, the waitress rushes over.)

Waitress: “You didn’t tip.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Waitress: “You aren’t leaving without leaving a tip! This isn’t a fast food place where you come and go like trailer trash; you need to tip here!”

Me: “Your service sucks. Why would we tip you for that?”

(The waitress throws a screaming fit at us over the issue, causing other patrons to stare. The manager tries to calm her down, but she won’t back down.)

Me: “You want a tip? Fine.”

(I pull a $10 bill out of my pocket, shove it into my water glass, and place a menu on top. I quickly turn it upside down on the table and slide the menu out, leaving the full glass upside down with money floating inside.)

Me: “ENJOY! Have fun cleaning that up when you get it out.”

(We walk out while she fumes and the manager falls into peals of laughter.)

(Two customers stumble in the doors a bit drunk. They proceed to knock display cases off of a few shelves and even disrupt a display stand. It all seems to be accidental, so I let them be. My coworker just cleans up behind them. Finally, they come up to the counter.)

Customer #1: “Hey, we were looking to buy a Playstation 3, an Xbox, and an extra controller for each, and all new.”

Me: “Ooh, lots of games to catch up on, huh?”

Customer #2: “No, we’re just gonna—”

Customer #1: “DUDE! It’s a secret man; you can’t blow it!”

Customer #2: “OH DUDE! Sorry, man!”

(I’m a little confused, but I ring them up and see them off. An hour later, they come back in with the torn, destroyed boxes.)

Customer #1: “Hey man, these don’t work. We want our money back.”

Me: “Oh, that’s unfortunate. Let me open everything up and see if I can figure out why they didn’t work.”

(The objects inside are CLEARLY not the systems I just sold them. They are older versions of each console, beaten up and broken. One is even missing the wires that come with it.)

Me: “These are not the ones I sold you. I couldn’t even take these as trade-in; they’re in terrible condition.”

Customer #2: “S***! AND WE ALREADY SOLD THE OTHER ONES TO—”

Customer #1: “Uh… well our new ones were just stolen from our car, actually. So we’d like a refund or like, a free game.”

Customer #2: “That’s not gonna WORK, man! We should just go, man. Before they call somebody!

Customer #1: “UH… Well we’re gonna file a report with the police and we’ll be RIGHT back!”

(They walk out the door, leaving me and my coworker stunned.)

Coworker: “There is no way that just happened…”

Me: “Is there a hidden camera here? This can’t be real life…”

Customer: “It’s so convenient that this place just opened. I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately, and ice cream is my weakness in the summertime.”

Me: “Oh, I agree. Nothing beats something cold and sweet on a hot day.”

Customer: “I still can’t believe that this stuff is calorie-free. It tastes too good to be true!”

Me: “Um, sir? You are aware that frozen yogurt still has calories, right? It is healthier than ice cream but there are still calories.”

Customer: “What? But what about the bacteria? I was told yogurt has them. They eat all the calories out of it before we can!”

(I am moving over 100 miles away, to a new area I don’t know at all.)

Me: “So, are there any areas of the town I should avoid?”

Agent: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You know, bad areas, dangerous places I wouldn’t really want to live.”

Agent: *proudly* “No! Not at all. This is a lovely town; there’s nowhere I wouldn’t live myself.”

(I’m doubtful, as every town has its dodgy streets. But she recommends some houses on the market, and we go through the particulars.)

Me: “I like the look of this place. Can you get me a viewing tonight? Around 6:00 or 6:30?”

Agent: “Oh. Would someone be going with you?”

Me: “No, I’m looking on my own at the moment. My husband’s still back in [our home town].”

Agent: “But you’ll be driving there?”

Me: “No, it’s only a 20-minute walk from where I’m staying.”

Agent: *shocked* “Oh, no! No. I wouldn’t let you walk around that neighborhood on your own, and especially not after dark!”

Me: “Well then, I’m hardly going to buy a house and live there, am I?!”

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