(I get a call from a customer who is currently $50 overdrawn on her account.)

Me: “Yes that is correct. Your account is overdrawn $50.”

Caller: “What if I cashed one of my checks at the local currency exchange for $50, and came and deposited the cash to cover the overdraft?”

Me: “Unfortunately you couldn’t do that, since that would bring your overdraft to $100.”

Caller: “But the money will be coming from the currency exchange, not my bank account!”

Me: “While the currency exchange is giving you the cash, that check will still be eventually drawn on your account here, thereby overdrawing you another $50.”

Caller: “But it’s NOT coming out of my account! It’ll be coming from the currency exchange, so I can cover my overdraft!”

(Sadly, the conversation continues back and forth like this for several minutes until I simply tell her:)

Me: “Whatever you do, DO NOT cash any more checks!”

(This, she understands.)

This story is part of the Customers-Causing-Recessions roundup!

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(I am starting a new job, and it is my turn to clean the shared toilets in the office. Just as I’d put on my rubber gloves and filled the mop bucket, the boss walks into the bathroom and stops.)

Boss: “Oh. I’ll come back.”

Me: “It’s okay. I haven’t started yet.”

(I walk towards the door. The boss pauses in the doorway, unsure whether to leave or go in.)

Me: “It’s fine. I’ll clean after.”

(The boss is still hovering.)

Me: “Speak now, or forever hold your piss.”

(I am visiting with two of my best friends at their little bakery. They are married, and have been best friends since the day I introduced them. The wife and I are doing some shopping for ingredients while business is slow. As we return to the bakery, a man stops and holds the door open for us. I go in first and the wife follows after me; we both thank him.)

Wife: *suddenly yelps*

Me: “What? What happened?”

Wife: “He slapped my a**!”

Man: “Don’t you know a true gentleman opens the door for a lady, and then slaps her a**? It’s a compliment, you stupid b****!”

Wife: “Excuse me?!”

(The wife is about five seconds from kicking the living crap out of this guy, when her husband walks over and calmly steps in front of her. He himself is wearing a suit and tie still, because he has not changed into his work clothes yet.)

Husband: “Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

Man: “Why?! I didn’t do anything!”

Husband: “A true gentleman opens the door for a lady, which is true. However, a true gentleman NEVER touches a lady without her consent. Ever.”

Man: “Man, why the h*** do you care so much?!”

(The husband simply smiles and then looms in close to the man’s face. The man is nearly 5’7″ while my friend is 6’2″. The man’s face goes sheet white.)

Husband: “For your information, that little lady is my wife. I own this bakery, and unless you would like me to show you how long it will take me to beat you to bloody pulp, I suggest you leave.”

(The man scurries off and is later charged for assault. As for my two friends, let’s just say the husband got an extra treat that night.)

(At my workplace, I am famous for having a bright smile and cheery voice when speaking to every single customer. Even if it’s been a stressful and long day, I never give up smiling. A regular of mine comes in for her daily coffee and we stop to chat a bit.)

Regular Customer: “So are you on medicine or something? How do you stay so chipper all the time?”

Me: “Actually, I choose to act happy towards everyone. No medication required.”

Regular Customer: “So you are ALWAYS happy, no matter what? That doesn’t sound possible.”

Me: “Well, there are lots of reasons I keep smiling even if I am not having a great day. I know lots of people just need a sweet smile and some kind words to make a terrible day so much better and I like to think that’s what I do. Also, I learned from one of my psychology classes that the action of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that make you happier because the action of smiling is associated with happiness. Finally, when a customer is so persistent on being rude and mean to me it pisses them off when I continue to smile and be happy. It’s funny when they get upset that they couldn’t make me cry!”

(The customer is easily thirty years my senior, probably more. She stares at me in awe.)

Regular Customer: “I want to be like you when I grow up. Have a fantastic day Sunshine!”

(I am the only manager at a fast-food restaurant on a night that is known for being slammed. We are short-staffed, so I’ve been picking up the slack in many different parts of the store. I am trying to bag the 50 orders on the boards when the phone rings and is quickly handed to me by my coworker.)

Coworker: “She needs to speak with a manager.”

Me: “This is the manager; how may I serve you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your drive-through earlier for lunch and I got the nugget meal. I drove all the way back to work and when I bit into my nugget red juice came out! I could tell they were all raw. Now I have to go ALL DAY without eating anything. I want my money back!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am very sorry you had this experience and can understand why you’re upset. I will personally speak with our kitchen manager to ensure the proper procedures are being used and I will be more than happy to replace your entire meal with any meal on the menu.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything else. I want my money back. I drove all the way there because I wanted to eat your food but I can assure you that I will not be eating at your restaurant again. You can’t even cook the food properly. DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT GETTING PEOPLE SICK?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that food safety is most important at our restaurant. I am unable to give you a cash refund without the food present. I can give you a gift card for the price of your meal, or I can replace your meal with any other meal on the menu.”

Customer: “I won’t accept another meal! Do whatever you need to do to get me my money back, or I’ll go to the city and they’ll get it back. As a matter of fact, you owe me reimbursement for the gas it took for me to drive there and back only to get this s*** food!”

(I get her information, and tell her I will have to leave a message for my supervisor, and that he would get back to her as soon as possible. She remains unsatisfied with my response and hangs up on me mid-sentence. First of all, every batch of nuggets is cooked at a specific temperature for a set time period every time they are cooked. Secondly, if there were some crazy incidents where the nuggets did not get cooked thoroughly then we should expect that more than one customer would have experienced this issue as well. Finally, with the increasing addition to her list of demands and very detailed story and threats, I have the suspicion that she may be trying to scam me. After the phone call ends, I text my supervisor.)

Me: “I told her I would speak to you and give you her information but she wants and cash refund and gas money.”

Supervisor: “If she brings me back a raw nugget I will be happy to refund her meal.”

Me: “She said she wouldn’t be back for days so I told her she probably shouldn’t keep them that long.”

Supervisor: “Of course! And paying for her gas? Total scam. Thank you for playing. Come again.”

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