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Give The Workers A (Prison) Break

, | UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

(I’m on my way home after a hockey social, dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit and trick handcuffs. I’m pretty hungry, so I stop for food. Inside there is a drunk man yelling at the cashiers.)

Drunk: “I said [competitor’s signature item]! This is WRONG!”

Cashier: “I told you, you’re at [place], not [competitor]!”

Drunk: “I know where I am!”

Me: “Oh, do you?”

(He turns to me, and does a double take at my outfit.)

Me: “Because I think you’re in a whole world of trouble.”

(I start advancing, cackling Joker-style.)

Drunk: “What ya gonna do, crazy b****?”

(In answer, I stretch out, making it look like I’ve just torn apart my handcuffs.)

Drunk: “Holy s***!”

(I keep approaching, cackling.)

Drunk: “Psycho b****!”

(He throws his food at me and runs. I reach the counter, and drop the act.)

Me: “Can I get a portion of nuggets, please?”

(The cashier just stares at me for a moment.)

Cashier: “Y’know, I think he was right on the crazy part. Nuggets coming right up.”

Tipped Over The Edge

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Stupidity Goes Up To Eleven

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Musical Mayhem

Customer: “Hi, I would like two tickets for [show].”

Me: “Actually, it is [other ticket office] selling the shows in that venue.”

Customer: “So, do you have their phone number?”

Me: “Sure thing, it’s ###-###-1111.”

Customer: “Liar! You’re giving me a fake number because you don’t want me to buy tickets from your competitors!”

Me: “No, ma’am. I assure you, that really is their phone number. They don’t sell the same shows as we do, so we don’t mind if you do business with them. I give that number out many times a day.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! My phone’s dial pad stops at 9! So how can a phone number end with 11-11? You’re lying to me!”

Dead Parrot Sketch

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I work in a pet store. We offer a variety of animals, including birds.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have any red birds for sale?”

Me: “I’m afraid that all of the birds we have right now are green and blue, no red ones. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just make one red for me, then?”

Me: “No, ma’am, that’s not something we can do.”

Customer: “And why not, exactly? I think you’re just being lazy, and I have more than half a mind to call your manager!”

Me: “You could do that, but he can’t make the birds red either, sorry.”

(The customer storms off in a huff. She comes back later asking if it is safe to dip a bird in paint.)

Self-Scanning And Self-Aware

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout

(My fiancé and I are at the self-service checkout at the grocery store. We scan our one item, and we get an error message. I try again, but still get the same error message. An employee comes up to us to help out.)

Employee: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, thank you! Every time I scan my item, I keep getting this error message.”

Employee: “Oh! You have to scan your store card.”

Me: “I will, but I can’t get past this error.”

Employee: “No, sorry, you have to scan your store card first.”

(The employee scans the store card, then our item, and it works.)

Me: “Thanks! I never would’ve figured that out!”

Fiancé: *to me* “They should put up a sign, or something.”

(The employee gestures to the TWO signs in front of us that explain all store cards need to be scanned first.)

Me: “Oh, my God! After years of not working in retail, I’ve turned into one of those customers.”

Employee: “Oh, it’s okay. You didn’t blame me for it, so you’re still a step ahead!”

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