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    He Wants Coffee As Dense As He Is

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    Me: “Here is your coffee, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, could you add more milk to that?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (Since the coffee cup is already full, I walk over to the sink to pour a little out before adding more milk.)

    Customer: “Stop that! I didn’t say to pour any out!”

    Me: “Sir, the cup was full. In order to add more milk, I have to pour a little coffee out.”

    Customer: “You should obey what your customers tell you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but sometimes I have to obey the laws of physics instead.”

    Insulting Jitsu, And Then It Hits You

    | CO, USA | At The Checkout, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work near a campus which is currently in finals-week, so quite a few students come in early to get a pick-me-up before their exams. Five customers are in line; four regulars, followed by an impatient customer at the end. )

    Impatient Customer: “Gods! Why can’t this b**** work the cash register faster? I’ve got some important things to do!”

    Regular #1: “Calm down, buddy. She’s doing just fine.”

    Regular #3: “Yeah. Like what you have to do is important to any of us.”

    Regular #4: “Seriously. We’re all in a hurry here.”

    Impatient Customer: “Yeah? Well, he’s not!”

    (The impatient customer points at Regular #2.)

    Impatient Customer: “I’m getting in front of him!”

    (Regular #2 is very young, and looks like a college student at first glance. He also always comes in looking like he’s asleep, but gets in and out with no problem.)

    Impatient Customer: “This dumb-a** probably stayed up all night cramming for his test! Stop leaving s*** until the last second dumb-a**!”

    (The impatient customer starts forcing his way forward. As soon as he touches Regular #2, there is a blur of motion, and the impatient customer is flying towards a display. Another blur of motion occurs, and Regular #2 is standing in front of the display and the impatient customer is on the floor near the door instead.)

    Regulars #1, #3 And #4: “What just happened?!”

    Regular #2: “I didn’t want him crashing into the display and causing more work for this little lady here.”

    Me: “[Regular #2's name] has practiced martial arts since he was eight. He helps out at [local dojo I go to].”

    Regular #2: *to the impatient customer* “Also, aren’t you the lead for [name] with [company name]?”

    Impatient Customer: “How’d you know that?”

    Regular #2: “Because I’m the developer for the product you’ve requested from [other company name]. I’m going to be so glad to tell your boss this product isn’t viable, because his lead is impossible to work with. I do hope you enjoy your wait in line, because I’m going to personally make your workday miserable.”

    A Bit Light On Being Polite

    | Yonkers, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m buying an item that offers certain customization options, and I’ve requested that mine have quite a bit of work done. I’ve made a few mistakes explaining what I want, and each one means the employee has to start from the very beginning.)

    Employee: “Okay, I think it’s finally right. Can you take a look and confirm that all this is what you want?”

    (The employee shows me the screen.)

    Me: “Yeah, yeah, whoops. Sorry, this is wrong.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, my mistake. Let me see if I can void that one item—”

    (The terminal goes black.)

    Employee: “MOTHERF—whoops! Sorry, shouldn’t have said that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry that my order is causing so much trouble.”

    Employee: “Dude, you have no freaking idea. I don’t care if your order takes an hour, you’re actually being patient. I’m going to do what it takes to make sure you get everything the way you want it.”

    Me: “I hope being minimally polite isn’t something that stands out so much from the—”

    (There’s a crash from the next checkout counter.)

    Other Employee: “But, sir, I ran the card four times, and it got rejected each time—”

    Customer: *holding an item and smashing it into the counter* “RUN THE F****** CARD! IT’S MINE!”

    Other Employee: “I never said it wasn’t yours!”

    Employee: “What was that about being polite?”

    Single Mom’s Are Okay

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