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    Jeepers Creepers

    | RetailOklahoma City, OK, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body

    (A customer approaches my register. I begin her transaction, as well as make small talk.)

    Customer: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Absolutely!”

    Customer: “Do you have prosthetic eyes? My husband makes them and, yours just look so real!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. My eyes are real.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yep, my eyes are really real.”

    (She turns deep red, but tries to laugh it off. We finish her transaction, and she leaves very quickly.)

    In Need Of A Four-Letter Word

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Money

    Customer: “I forgot my account number; can you look it up?”

    Me: “Sure. Just tell me how to spell your last name.”

    Customer: *gives me a five-letter name*

    Me: “I’m sorry; it’s not working. Are you sure it’s spelled [spells out loud]?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; still nothing’s coming up. Are you certain you have an account here?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just made a deposit yesterday!”

    Me: “I’m sure it’s just something simple; perhaps I’ve spelled your name wrong. Can I see your ID?”

    (The customer hands me their ID, at which point I see that the last name is nine letters long.)

    Me: “You’ve only been giving me the first five letters of your last name.”

    Customer: “What, you need my whole name?”

    Silent Running

    | Hampshire, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bizarre

    (A regular comes in every day for cigarettes. I am always a polite and friendly cashier, who asks how the customers are.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

    Customer: “How are you today? How am I today? How am I today? Every day you ask this, and you really don’t care how I am, so in future don’t ask; just give me my cigarettes!”

    Me: “Oh, err… okay…”

    Customer: “That’s better. You remember that now!”

    Me: “I will…”

    (From that day on, every day when he comes and buys his cigarettes, everything is done in total silence.)

    Slanged Up Gets You Banged Up

    | Norfolk, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Money, Top

    (I work in a second-hand store. We are similar to a pawn store, but we don’t offer loans. It’s been a really hectic day, and my patience is starting to wear a little thin. A wannabe ‘thug-gangsta’ comes in, and throws a few PS3 games at me.)

    Thug: “I wanna pawn deez.”

    Me: “Sorry man, we don’t pawn. If you’d like to sell them, I’ll take a look for you.”

    (The thug nods, and I check the games for condition, and then look up the games for their value.)

    Me: “Alright man, given how these games have been marked down, you’re looking at about $27.”

    Thug: “H*** no! You know how much I paid for dem?!”

    Me: “Yeah, I’m a gamer. I understand what price the games were, but given how old these games are, they’re not worth as much now.”

    Thug: “F*** you! They ain’ worf nothin’!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to keep the language down, or take your things and leave.”

    Thug: “Who the f*** is you?! You can’t tell me what to do; matter of fact I got the ratchet in the car!”

    (Ratchet is slang for a gun. I decide to act stupid.)

    Me: “A Ratchet? What kind is it? Snap-On, Mac-Tools? What? Bring it in I’ll see if I can’t get you anything for it.”

    (The thug starts to get louder. A regular of mine walks in. He’s a cop, and off duty. He’s watching the thug with an arched eyebrow.)

    Thug: “No you fat mother-f*****. I got a gun in the car, and I will shoot you!”

    Me: “Sir, do you realize you’re threatening me in front of an off-duty police officer?”

    Thug: “Ain’t no mother-f****** police in here!”

    (I see the cop behind him pull out his wallet to show his badge, and I just smirk.)

    Me: “Turn around.”

    (The thug turns around, and sees the badge. He snatches his games off the table, and runs out of the door. The police officer gives me his cell phone number, telling me to call him if that thug comes back.)

    Blood Money

    | NY, USA | Health & Body, Money

    (A customer walks up to my teller window, and throws two rolls of pennies down. They are covered in wet blood. I try not to look disgusted.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? It’s good American money.”

    Me: “I’m sure it is, but it’s covered in blood; I’m not going to touch that.”

    Customer: “It’s fine; it’s just my blood.”

    Me: “Excuse me while I get my manager.”

    (I happily escape to the back to try to settle my stomach while the manager talks to the man.)

    Manager: “Sir, we can’t accept these pennies like this.”

    Customer: “It’s perfectly good American money!”

    Manager: “Yes, but we can’t take it like this. If you like, I can give you new wrappers. You can re-roll the pennies, and then we can deposit them for you.”

    Customer: “F*** this country! My money isn’t good in a bank; it isn’t good anywhere!” *storms out*

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