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    Fix The Phone And Call It Square

    | Belfast, Northern Ireland, UK | Technology

    Customer: “Hello, hello! My phone’s gone berserk!”

    Me: “Can you be a bit more precise?”

    Customer: “It’s totally berserk!”

    Me: “I’ll need something more specific. Is it in Greek? Will it switch on?”

    Customer: “My apps are all up the left!”

    Me: “Press the big rectangle button at the bottom. Have you got the picture in the background?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Now, what do you do to go berserk?”

    Customer: “Go to the apps.”

    Me: “Do that now. What do you see?”

    Customer: “It’s like I’m going shopping!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “It’s like my shopping list!”

    Me: “What does the list say?”

    Customer: “Milk, eggs, yoghurt, potatoes—”

    Me: “—no. What does the list on the phone say?”

    Customer: “Settings, Internet, Facebook… oh, Allshare! I haven’t seen that before.”

    Me: “What was it like before?”

    Customer: “Squares! I had loads of squares!”

    Me: “Do you want the squares back again?”

    Customer: “Yes! Give me back my squares!”

    Me: “Okay. Your apps have changed from a grid to a list. Do you see the little button to the left of the home button?”

    Customer: “It says ‘Grid View’.”

    Me: “Press ‘Grid View’.”

    Customer: “Thank you, thank you! You gave me my squares back again!”

    On The Other Hand She Seems Fine

    | LA, USA | Health & Body

    (It’s a couple hours until closing. Our store is well known for discount prices. I’m in the accessories section rearranging the purses. On the other side of the see-through rack is a woman frantically picking through purses that are not hung up.)

    Customer: *rummaging madly* “Ow, ow, ow…”

    Me: “…ma’am? Is everything alright?”

    (The customer looks up with a great big grin that’s hiding obvious pain.)

    Customer: “Yes! Everything is wonderful. I’m just having some trouble deciding what bag to get. There are so many!”

    Me: “You were saying ‘ow’.”

    Customer: “Oh, that. I was in [other retail store] before coming here, and I broke one of my fingers.”

    Me: “You broke one of your fingers?”

    (She holds up the obviously injured digit. It’s swollen and not looking too good.)

    Customer: “Yep! But, I just had to come here! The hospital is always open, but you guys close soon!”

    Me: “G-good luck…”

    (She eventually leaves without buying anything. I hope she got to the hospital!)

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6

    | Buenos Aires, Argentina | Geography

    (I work at a tech support call center that works with employees in the USA.)

    User: “…and where are you guys located?”

    Me: “Buenos Aires, Argentina.”

    User:Really? That far?”

    Me: “Yeah… it is pretty far from the US, isn’t it?”

    User: “And what’s the weather like today over there?”

    Me: “Well, it has been really cold all week. Today it was 32 F when I left home.”

    User: “And it is that cold during the summer?!”

    Me: “Um… no, actually, it’s not summer over here; it’s winter. We are all the way at the south.”

    User: “What do you mean it’s winter there? Are you serious?”

    Me: “Yes, when it’s summer in the north, it’s winter in the south of the world, and vice versa.”

    User: “For real? Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, very much indeed. It is winter here.”

    User: “Well… I guess you might be right.”

    (The user remains silent for a few seconds.)

    User: “But… when do you have Christmas?!”

    Related:
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5
    No Aptitude Vocation For Location, Part 2
    No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 2
    No Vocation For Location
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

    I’m Afraid I Can’t Allow You To Speak To Dave

    | Manchester, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in the debt recovery department of a national mail order company. The department is small, and the only white men are our senior managers, neither of whom are connected to the telephone system in any way. All the other men are Asian, and have traditional Asian names. I am female, and have quite a high-pitched voice. About half an hour after dealing with a perfectly nice, male customer, he calls back and gets me again.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! You’re speaking to [My Name] again. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *yelling* “I was talking to Dave earlier, and he’s completely f***** everything up!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; you must be mistaken. You spoke to me earlier, and your payment plan was sorted out. We agreed to—”

    Customer: “I’ve never spoken to you! I spoke to Dave! I want you to transfer me to him so he can sort this s*** out!”

    Me: “Sir, please refrain from swearing. I can assure you, you did not speak to ‘Dave.’ There is no one here by that name. You spoke to me at [time] this afternoon.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a f****** liar?”

    Me: “Sir, please stop using language like that, otherwise I will have to terminate this call. I think you might be mistaking us for another company you may have called today. Not only is there no-one called ‘Dave,’ but my user ID is the only one to access your account in the last month, and I recall speaking to you earlier.”

    (The customer starts screaming so loud, I turn the volume down on my headset. My colleagues are getting distracted by the noise, and even my manager is peering over at me. Eventually he stops for breath.)

    Me: “Sir, there is no point in me lying to you, as you clearly don’t believe me. Why would I make my life and yours difficult by continuing to ‘lie’ to you? Also, the idea that I could be mistaken for a man is… Well, I don’t even…”

    (At this point, my colleagues are all either laughing, or trying not to because they’re on the phone to other customers. My manager’s eyes have gone wide.)

    Manager: “Hang up, and I’ll call him back.”

    (I do as I’m told. Two minutes later, my manager comes over, grinning widely.)

    Manager: “He admitted straight away he might have been wrong, and paid up.”

    Giving It To Her

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