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    Out Of Cigarettes, Out Of Patience, Out Of Luck

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

    (My uncle works as a manager at a local gas station. I have just stopped by to drop him off a plate of food. I am on a first name basis with nearly all of the employees. I’m just finishing up a conversation with one of the clerks, when two customers walk up.)

    Clerk: “Welcome to [gas station]; what can I get for you today?”

    Customer #1: “Can I get a pack of [brand] cigarettes]?”

    Clerk: “I’m sorry, but it seems like we have run out of that specific brand. Can I get you something else?”

    Customer #1: “You always run out of the f***** cigarettes whenever I’m here!”

    Customer #2: “I told you this store was f***** ghetto! Let’s go somewhere else!”

    Customer #1: “This is bull-s***! Whenever I come to this f***** store, they always seem to be out of f***** cigarettes! Is it too much to ask that you guys actually keep cigarettes in stock!?”

    Clerk: “I’m sorry, but its been a busy weekend, and we have simply just run out. I could probably recommend another one of our gas stations nearby—”

    Customer #2: “We don’t need you to recommend s***! Get me your f**** manager right now!”

    (My uncle, who was helping out another customer, has heard the entire conversation. He comes to investigate.)

    Uncle: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer #1: “I’ll tell you what the problem is! Every time I come to this f***** store, you never have the brand of cigarettes I want! How hard is it to keep s*** stocked? This is why I don’t come to this ghetto-a** store!”

    Uncle: “Well, as my employee previously stated, we are all out of that particular brand. We are more than willing to sell you something else, or we can recommend one of our other locations, which is about a 10-minute drive away.”

    Customer #2: “We ain’t got no f***** time for this s***! Let’s get the f*** out of here. I hate this d*** store!”

    (They promptly storm out of the store. I walk up to the register to purchase my items.)

    Me: “Jeez, how hard is to take yourself to another store and buy your particular brand your looking for? I mean if it’s not here, then make things simple and move the h*** on! Don’t be a b**** about it!”

    Clerk: “We get it all the time, but we’ve just learned to tune it out.”

    Me: “It really isn’t necessary—”

    (Customer #1 storms back in the store.)

    Customer #1: “Which one of you said that? I heard what you said about me! Calling me a b****! I know it was you bad mouthing me!”

    (The customer starts pointing at the clerk.)

    Clerk: “I didn’t say anything about y—”

    Customer #1: “I heard what you said! Do you think I’m a stupid b****?! Give me your employee number; I’m going to write a letter to your corporate offices about this. I KNOW YOU SAID IT! I AM GONNA GET YOUR A** FIRED!”

    (I clear my throat, and tap the customer on the shoulder.)

    Me: “Actually, I said it!”

    (I’m pretty tall, at 6’2.)

    Customer #1: “What business is it of yours—”

    (The customer’s question trails off, and she turns and looks up at my face; her face pales.)

    Me: “I’ll tell you: it’s very much my business. You can find me in here almost every day, but it’s ignorant and stupid people like you that p*** me off! First off, it’s not this clerk’s fault that the cigarettes are out of stock. It’s not this store’s fault that they magically don’t have your particular brand of cigarettes every time you happen to come in. Furthermore, don’t you dare try and degrade this store. It treats all of its customers with respect, which is something in which you are OBVIOUSLY lacking. Another thing, if this store doesn’t have your cigarettes, “every time you come in”, then why don’t you just get a d*** clue and move on to the next store? No need for you to be raising all this h*** for nothing. As far as who said what, I made the comments about you being a b****, so if you wanna make something of it, then let’s step outside and I’ll be more than happy to kick your a**!”

    (The customer stutters, and hurries out of the store. The clerk high-fives me and my uncle treats me out to a movie and dinner later on that week!)

    A New Dimension Of Stupidity, Part 5

    | England, UK | Extra Stupid, Movies & TV

    (I work at a theme park. I have to greet guests, and provide them with 3D glasses as they queue for the ride.)

    Guest: “Excuse me, what do I do with these?”

    Me: “You put them on when you enter the ride.”

    Guest: “Put them on where?”

    Me: “…on your face.”

    Guest: “Oh! I thought maybe they went on my arm!”

    Related:
    A New Dimension Of Stupidity, Part 4
    A New Dimension Of Stupidity, Part 3
    A New Dimension Of Stupidity, Part 2
    Get A Life
    A New Dimension Of Stupidity

    Questioning The Location Of The Question

    | ON, Canada | Bizarre

    Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I got a question!”

    Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

    Caller: “Back in the sixties, me and Burt would drive to ‘Trannah’ to get a corned beef sandwich. The guy would say ‘Pickle on the side?’ and we say ‘Yeah, pickle on the side!’. Now you wanna buy ten, y’uunastan’ but you could only afford one! We ain’t got no money, y’know? These days, y’wanna buy one, ’cause you can’t buy ten. It’ll make ya sick! You’ll throw up!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’ll happen. I hate to cut this story short, but what was your question?”

    Caller: *click*

    Gay Rights And Copyrights

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bigotry, Health & Body

    (A female customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “I want to return this Jillian Michael’s Work Out DVD Set.”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I just found out that she’s gay. I don’t want to stare at a gay woman exercising. She’ll turn me gay.”

    Me: “…right. Well, I’m sorry, but I cannot take this back.”

    Customer: “You want me to be gay?!”

    Me: “Um, no. The kit is opened, and for copyright reasons I cannot return opened DVDs.”

    Customer: “If I go to Hell, it’s your fault!”

    Not Very Good At Checking His Account

    | MT, USAUSA | Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work for a bank call center.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yea, I tried to f****** withdraw my paycheck out of the ATM, and it won’t let me! You people are crooks! Get me my d*** money!”

    (I look into his account and see that the customer has both a checking and a savings. I look at the history of the card, and notice that the savings has about $5, and the checking has about $300. In the card history, I see that he’s been trying to withdraw using the savings account.)

    Me: “Sir, I noticed that you have two accounts linked to your debit card. It looks like the savings account was selected at the ATM as the account to withdraw from; are you near an ATM?”

    Customer: “Did you f****** fix it yet?! You d*** thieves!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand your frustration. If you’re near an ATM, I would be happy to hold on while you try it again. This time, when it asks what account to withdraw from, you need to choose checking rather then savings.”

    Customer: “It can’t be that easy! I’m not that stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t say you were stupid; I’m only trying to help. Now please humor me, and try it again if you can.”

    (I can hear the customer cursing under his breath about me. I can see on my screen that he makes the withdrawal out of the checking account this time. He then comes back onto the line.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess it was that easy. You people should make it more clearer next time!”

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