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    Space-Time Is Money

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (A customer enters, walks to the middle of the store, and starts looking around.)

    Me: “You look lost.”

    Customer: “Where’s your time machine?”

    Me: “…sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Don’t you guys have a time machine?”

    Me: *laughing* “I kind of wish we did.”

    Customer: “That’s weird that you don’t have one.”

    (There is a pause.)

    Customer: “Wait, what did I say?”

    Me: “You asked for a time machine.”

    Customer: “Oh, God, I meant an ATM machine.”

    Me: “Yup, right over here.”

    Customer: “Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

    Me: “It’s alright, you made my day. Good luck finding the time machine!”

    Minor Problem

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    She Has An Anachronic Case

    | New Zealand | Health & Body, History, Top

    (My mother is a schoolteacher. To celebrate the end of school, she and the other teachers have a party, of which the theme is anachronisms. My mother wears, among other things, a Greek toga and a top hat. During the party, she hurts her leg and phones me to help her get to the hospital. We finally get to see a doctor at two o’clock in the morning.)

    Doctor: “So, er… What’s the problem?”

    Mum: “I hurt my leg during a party.”

    (She shows him where it hurts, and the doctor feels around for a while.)

    Doctor: “How exactly did you do this?”

    Mum: “Well, the music came on, and I was so excited to start dancing that I jumped up, and suddenly my muscle went pop!”

    Doctor: “This is probably the most interesting accident we’ve had for a while. Will you take off your socks, please, so I can see better?”

    (My mother pulls them off to reveal her blackened toes, which she had coloured in before the party.)

    Doctor: “What’s that?”

    Mum: “Oh, don’t mind that. It’s just the bubonic plague.”

    (Later, as I am sitting in the waiting room while my mum has her leg bandaged, I hear the doctor saying she’d made his night!)

    The Long Hold Time Of The Law

    | England, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Good morning, [company name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting to speak to you all afternoon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry for your wait; we’ve been really busy today.”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting for 60 minutes!”

    (I can see our call queue, and I know that the longest wait anyone’s had all day is about eight minutes.)

    Me: “As I’ve said, we’ve been unexpectedly busy. I’m really sorry about that. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want compensation for having to wait for so long. You’re victimizing me. You can’t get away with treating people like this!”

    Me: “Sir, everyone is in the same position. Unfortunately, you’ve called us during a busy time. If we have more calls than staff at any one time, some of our customers need to wait until someone’s available to handle their call.”

    Customer: “But I’m not just one of your customers. Don’t you know who I am?”

    Me: “No, sir, you haven’t provided me with any of your details for me to try to help you today.”

    Customer: “You can’t get away with this. I know about these things. I know! I’m going to the government! This is illegal!”

    Me: “It’s not illegal for us to be busy, sir.”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Manners Are Not Just For The Young

    | Birmingham, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

    (I’m the only person in the queue for the self-service tills. A woman has finished scanning her items, but is still packing them. A man comes up behind me. I look young for my age, and am dressed casually as it’s my day off. I also have red streaks in my hair from a charity day the day before.)

    Customer: “Are you queuing?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: *pointing at where the woman is* “Well, are you wanting that one or not?”

    Me: “I’m waiting for the woman to finish.”

    (Instead of waiting behind me as I expect, he pushes past, goes up to the woman’s till, and starts trying to scan things through. The system won’t let him as the woman hasn’t taken her bags yet. After a few unsuccessful attempts he barges back past me and rejoins the queue.)

    Customer: “F****** kids.”

    Me: “At least this f****** kid had the manners to wait until the lady was finished.”

    Customer: *blushes*

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