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Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals, Top

(I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing; only pretend ones do.”

Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

(At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

Employee: “Is that so?”

(The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

(I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

(The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

(She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

Me: “I think so, babygirl.”

Can’t Get A Handle On The Handle

| MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid

(We are an appliance dealer. Our doors are locked as a safety precaution, and we have to buzz people in. A customer is furiously jiggling the door handle. I speak to her through the intercom.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “OPEN UP!”

Me: “Okay ma’am, wait for the buzzer and pull.”

(The customer continues to jiggle it before and through the buzzer sound, so it doesn’t open.)

Woman: “LET ME IN! WHAT IS THIS?! ARE YOU RACIST IN THERE? YOU DON’T WANT MY KIND IN THERE?!”

(I speak louder over the non-stop jiggling and banging.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll buzz you in again. Just please let go, wait for the buzzer, and then pull.”

(The customer continues to jiggle the handle and yell and bang. This repeats two more times.)

Me: “Miss, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s really not that difficult. Please, just take your hands off the handle, wait for the buzzer, and then pull the handle.”

(The customer continues to jiggle the handle.)

Woman: “WELL F*** THIS! I DON’T NEED THIS! I’M A F****** QUEEN!”

(The customer punches the glass and leaves.)

Me: “Have a nice day, your highness.”

Processing Stupid

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Link, Nyu, And Sephiroth Walk Into A Bar…

, | Derby, England, UK | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month, Top

(There’s an anime convention near to where I work. A bunch of them come in while I’m on the front counter. All of them are in costume.)

Me: “Great costumes, guys! You had a good day?”

(Link from Legend Of Zelda is the first to speak up.)

Link: “Yeah, it’s been amazing, thanks!”

(I spot one of their friends, a disabled girl, dressed as one of my favorite characters. I call out to her.)

Me: “Oh, wow! It’s Nyu! You look adorable! I think you win for best costume of the day!”

Link: “Thanks for that; no one has guessed correctly all day and she’s been pretty upset about it! I think you pretty much just made her day!”

Me: “My pleasure!”

(I turn to the girl.)

Me: “No one could guess your costume, sweetie? Guess they don’t watch the cool shows, huh?”

(The girl smiles, and begins to answer, but she’s cut off by a random customer who’s come storming over towards us.)

Customer: “Alright, that’s enough of that! I’M here now, so you can stop catering to that [disabled slur] and show me some respect!”

Me: “Sir! Please, there’s no need to be so harsh to another customer! If you do not tone it down a little, I will have to ask you to leave!”

Customer: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why the f*** should I tone it down?! SHE shouldn’t be here, and YOU should start showing me more respect, b****, or I’ll see what your manager has to say about this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I was always taught that respect was earned, and that you must always respect others. Since you are unable to do this to me or this poor girl you have insulted, then I have no reason to show YOU any respect. Please leave.”

Customer: “WHAT THE F—”

(He cuts himself off as he suddenly finds himself surrounded by various different anime and game heroes, all complete with replica weapons.)

Sephiroth: “I believe the lady asked you to leave, so scram.”

(The guy all but runs out of the store. ‘Link’ pulls out an ocarina, and plays a medley of various video game songs for me as a thank you. It makes my night!)

Related:
Morpheus, Tarantino, And The Green Lantern Walk Into A Bar
Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar

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