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    No Meat In Their Brain

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m waiting in line to get a sandwich when I overhear this conversation between a customer in line ahead of me and the employee behind the counter.)

    Customer: “What kind of meat comes on the vegetarian sub?”

    Employee: “Uh… the vegetarian sub doesn’t have any meat on it, ma’am. That’s why it’s called the vegetarian sub.”

    Customer: “Well, that sounds bland and boring as h***. Who the h*** would eat that?”

    Employee: “A vegetarian?”

    Customer: “Well I’m a vegetarian, and I wouldn’t eat a sub with no meat on it!”

    Employee: “Uh… how can you be a vegetarian if you eat meat, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

    Employee: “Vegetarians are people who don’t eat meat.”

    Customer: *snorts* “No they’re not, you idiot! A vegetarian is just someone who likes vegetables! It doesn’t mean you can’t eat meat too!”

    Employee: “I’m pretty sure it means someone who ONLY eats vegetables, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Whatever. I’m never eating here again. If you’re too f****** stupid to understand what a vegetarian is, you’d probably screw up my sandwich anyway!” *storms out*

    Declawing The Villains

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer and her five-year-old son enter the store.)

    Me: “Hi, is there anything you’re looking for today?”

    Little Boy: “I know what that means!”

    Me: “…what, what means?”

    Little Boy: “That!”

    (The boy points at the pins on my lanyard.)

    Little Boy: “That’s Dr Claw’s sign! You like Inspector Gadget!”

    Me: “You are the first person to know that.”

    Little Boy: “Claw is a silly name. If Dr Claw ever bothers you, I’ll punch him.”

    Me: “Thanks, kid. That’s sweet.”

    Sounds About Right

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    Refunder Blunder

    | Rochester Hills, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

    (A customer has walked up to my register carrying a bag from a competitor. We’re a well-known, national chain drugstore and our stores are fairly small. The competitor is a major big box retailer. The names are not similar and our primary color is blue; the competitor’s color is red. The competitor is located on the other end of town.)

    Customer: “I need to make a return.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s still in the bag.”

    (I reach into the bag and find a private brand item from the competitor and a receipt, also from the competitor.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, unfortunately this item was purchased at another store, so I’m afraid I can’t do a return for you here.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I bought it here yesterday!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is generic brand for a different store. It is not possible you bought it here.”

    Customer: “Yes I did! The receipt is right there!”

    Me: “The only receipt in this bag is from [competitor].”

    Customer: “YES.”

    Me: “You’re at [my store].”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Not [competitor].”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: *holding up the circular* “You’re at [my store]. I cannot accept a return from [competitor], as it’s a different company, and this is not a brand that we carry. You need to go to [competitor] to return this item.”

    Customer: “Oh! You’re not [competitor]!”

    John Hancocked And Ready To Fire

    | Naples, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

    (I’m working the register. The pin-pad/card reader is about two weeks old, but the screen has already started to give out. I have been telling customers to be gentle with it, and to tap only once, as there is a pause between verification and the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ buttons going away, leading to a lot of screen mashing.)

    Me: “Good evening! How are you?”

    (I start scanning, and the customer remains silent. I scan all the items and I notice the customer has pulled out a debit card, so I start the little speech.)

    Me: “Okay, please swipe your card, and tap gently and once per button on the screen, as the—”

    Customer: “You know, that’s incredibly rude!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to—”

    Customer: “You were! You are being very rude talking to me like that! I heard when you said that to the other person; you don’t repeat yourself to me!”

    (Other customers in the line start shaking their heads.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry. Please verify—”

    Customer: “STOP TALKING AT ME! I can call a manager over if you keep talking at me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I wait for customer to finish. The customer attacks the pin-pad’s screen during the half-second wait for approval. I don’t say another word, and hand her the receipt. She leaves in a huff. The other customers in the line talk about how rude she was being, and the manager on duty comes up.)

    Manager: “Who was beating up my new cashier?!”

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