(I’m an assistant principal. One of my duties is greeting students and parents in the morning. One of our kindergarten students comes up to me.)

Kindergarten Student: “Are you the manager of this school?”

(Trying not to smile, I reply…)

Me: “No, I’m the assistant principal.”

Kindergarten Student: “Oh, so who do I need to tell about throwing up in the lobby?”

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(I’m working the front desk and checking in a guest.)

Me: “…and here are your room keys. Your room is located on the third floor and will be on the right hand side of the elevator. If there’s absolutely anything you need just press zero on your phone and I’ll be sure to assist you. Enjoy your stay.”

Guest: “Can I ask you for something now?”

Me: “Of course, sir. Anything you need would be my pleasure to serve.”

Guest: “Can I get five rolls of toilet paper?”

Me: “The rooms come standard with two rolls. Would you like an additional three rolls to total the room out to five rolls, or would you like five additional rolls to total seven rolls?”

Guest: “I would like the five additional rolls, please.”

Me: “I can do that for you, but unfortunately there is a $1 fee per excess roll. Between you and me, if you wait until the morning, the housekeepers will change out your toilet paper anyway and you won’t have to pay for it.”

Guest: “I need the five rolls tonight. I only bought this room because if I’m going to destroy a bathroom after my mother-in-law’s cooking, it ain’t gonna be my job to clean it up…”

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(My mother calls me long-distance as I am in college. She is upset because her car is making a bright green puddle behind the right front wheel. I keep fairly close tabs on the family cars, even from afar.)

Me: “Take the car to our regular shop and have them take a look at the water pump.”

(My mother takes the car, and sure enough, it’s what the car needs. She calls me again a day or two later…)

Mother: “I picked up the car but I don’t think they did the job right. The water pump warning light was on the whole way home.”

Me: “The… which, now? The ‘water pump warning light?'”

Mother: “Yes, it was on steadily except when I would accelerate or turn a corner or step on the brake, and then it flashed.”

Me: “Uh… okay, and where is this ‘water pump warning light?’ What does it look like?”

Mother: “It’s on the dashboard with the rest of the lights. It’s a little blue water fountain icon.”

Me: “The windshield washer fluid is in the garage on the second shelf…”

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(My mum frequently lacks any logic or common sense. Although my parents are divorced, my dad still often makes fun of my mum. I am on a car journey with my dad.)

Dad: “Honestly, I really don’t understand that woman sometimes.”

Me: “How do you think I feel? I still have to live with her!”

Dad: “She just has no common sense at all.”

Me: “Pretty much. I’m undecided whether she needs hitting over the head with a frying pan or whether she needs to see a psychiatrist.”

Dad: “Why not just cut out the middle man and hit her over the head with a psychiatrist?”

(One of our eye tests works by patients clicking a remote when they see some shimmery lines, and is set up where the face-plate slides into place to test the individual eyes. The patient has already informed me that he has a glass eye in the right socket. This machine can sometimes be very temperamental when a test is in progress, so I want to explain the test before I mess around too much with it and skip his glass eye. It’s still currently set on the right eye as the default.)

Me: “On this first test, when you look inside there, you’re going to see a little—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: Yes, sir, I know that. I can skip this eye when I get the test started, but I wanted to explain the directions first. Now, you’re going to see a little black spot right in the center and—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: “Yes, I know that, sir. I can skip that eye in just a moment. You’re going to see the black dot in the center and there are some very faint, sort of wiggly lines—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of this eye.”

(The patient continues to put his face into the machine which is still on the right eye.)

Me: “I know that, sir. You’re going to see a black dot in the center and some faint, wiggly lines and that’s just a preview of what the test looks like. When—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

Me: “I can skip that one. When the test starts, and I’ll let you know when that is, I just need you to look—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

(I am now ignoring him to get through my directions.)

Me: “When the test starts, you need to look at the black spot in the center and click on the clicker whenever you see those wiggly lines.”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye, though!”

Me: “I need you to sit back for me so I can get the machine ready to just test your left eye.”

(The patient sits back and I slide the face-plate over for the left eye. I put in the settings to get the machine to skip the right eye, and am just about to start on the left.)

Patient: “So, what am I supposed to do in this thing?”