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    Weighted Opinions

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Technology

    (I am an early 20s, able-bodied male, with a fair bit of muscle, and I also happen to be the only employee in the store who fits such a description.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Good, thank you. Can I get a 55-inch [brand] TV, please?”

    Me: “Why, certainly.”

    (I make a phone call to the back stockroom to request the customer’s TV. While I am processing the sale, the person bringing the rather large & heavy item is one of my young female coworkers.)

    Coworker: “Here’s your TV, ma’am! If you’re done shopping today, I will be glad to take this to your car!”

    Customer: *to me* “Shame on you, young man. Shame on you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t quite follow.”

    Customer: “How dare you make such a fragile young girl bring out something so big! She could’ve seriously injured herself! You should be ashamed!”

    Me: “Believe me, ma’am: I would prefer to have done this job myself, but I have no control over my position. They put me on cash because I happened to be a little better at it, and my coworker here does this all the time.”

    Customer: “This is not right! This is not right at all! A tall, bulky man like you should do the heavy lifting! Not this poor skin and bones over here!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m seriously okay with this. When women fought for equal rights long ago, they knew that this was going to happen. And I’m glad it did.”

    Customer: “But girls sh—”

    Coworker: “Girl power! That’s what it is!”

    Customer: “Alright fine, just load the d*** TV into the truck already.”

    (My coworker helps the customer with her TV. A few weeks later, the same customer is at my till once again, this time, to buy a couch.)

    Customer: “Alright, I know that a couple of weeks ago, that nice, young girl proved more than capable of doing this. But I still feel really bad for her, so can you get somebody else to help me?”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am, she isn’t even in today.”

    (This time, I call my manager to bring out the couch.)

    Manager: “Okay, ma’am, where are you parked?”

    (The customer takes a good look at my manager. Although my manager is a man, he very much looks like he is approaching his 70s.)

    Customer: “This whole store is backwards!” *stomps out*

    Manager: “What the h*** was her problem?”

    Me: “Equal opportunity employment, apparently.”

    Karkat, Thor, And Loki Walk Into A Bar…

    , | Manchester, England, UK | Bigotry, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A con is going on nearby, and the fast food joint is full of people in cosplay. A rather attractive woman—dressed as a cheerleader with a pink chainsaw—leaves the building with her friends. They are whistled at by two rowdy customers entering.)

    Customer #1: “Hey dude, check out all these freaks in here!”

    Customer #2: “Oh, God! They’re everywhere! F****** freaks.”

    Customer #1: *to a male cosplayer in front of him* “Oi mate, what the f*** are you supposed to be?”

    Male Cosplayer #1: “M-me? I’m ‘Karkat’ from Homestuck.”

    Customer #1: “Well, you look like a joke. What the f*** are those on your head?”

    (The customer flicks the orange horns clipped to the cosplayer’s hair.)

    Male Cosplayer #1: “Please don’t do that; I made these myself and I don’t want them to break.”

    Customer #2: “You hear that? The little freak made his own horns! Ah, I guess it’s not all bad though; did you see that chick before with the massive rack?”

    Customer #1: “I know, you don’t see hot cheerleaders everyday. She’s totally going to get it off me later.”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, we’ll find her and give it to her good. I’m going to squeeze those t*** of her so hard.”

    Male Cosplayer #1: “Can you please stop?! It’s really degrading to talk about women like that.”

    (The whole restaurant goes quiet, and they turn to the rowdy customers.)

    Customer #1: “If the slag didn’t want it, should wouldn’t have them hanging out.”

    Male Cosplayer #1: “She was in costume! Besides, what does it matter how she was dressed? Clothing isn’t an invitation.”

    Customer #2: “Do you want to take this outside?”

    (Just then, another male customer in the corner, who also happens to be a cosplayer, speaks up.)

    Male Cosplayer #2: “If you fight him, you have to fight me first!”

    Customer #2: “Who said that?”

    (Male Cosplayer #2 stands up to reveal he is well over 6 ft tall, and very muscular, but in costume too.)

    Male Cosplayer #2: “I am Thor, Son of Odin, God of Thunder, who commands the Lightning and the Storm!”

    (At that moment, a third cosplayer stands up, revealing he too is very tall and muscular.)

    Male Cosplayer #3: “And I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose… to defend women from sexist pigs like you, and defend people’s right to cosplay!”

    (The two rowdy customers quickly remove themselves from the restaurant, while Karkat, Thor and Loki receive a round of applause.)

    Related:
    Link, Nyu And Sephiroth Walk Into A Bar…

    Needs A Bridge To Reality

    | Jamaica | Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel, Transportation

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to rent a car, but can I drive it to the United States?”

    Me: “Pardon? I don’t understand.”

    Customer: “Can I drive the car back to the United States?”

    Me: “How did you get to Jamaica?”

    Customer: “I flew here, why?”

    Me: “Didn’t you see the ocean underneath you from the airplane?”

    Customer: “No, I slept the whole way here. Wait. What ocean?”

    Translation Kollaboration

    | NY, USA | Language & Words, School

    (Campus security has stopped a lost visitor, and is trying to work out where he wants to go. The visitor speaks very poor English, but the officer is trying his best.)

    Visitor: “I want go, skink labatree.”

    Security: “You wanna go where?”

    Visitor: “A skink labatree.”

    Security: “Oh, that’s, like, a little lizard. Reptile lab? Lizards? Snakes?”

    Visitor: “No, no, a skink labatree. Kell skinky.”

    Security: “Kill? Like, animal disposal?”

    Visitor: “No, no! I want call my daughter, but…”

    (The visitor holds up a cell phone.)

    Visitor: “No battery!”

    Security: “Ahh, okay. Wanna try mine?”

    (Security offers the visitor his phone.)

    Visitor: “No, no, I don’t know she kell. No battery my kell.”

    Security: “Hold up a sec.”

    (Security points to his cell phone.)

    Visitor: “Kell phone, no battery!”

    Security: “Kell laboratory?”

    Visitor: “Kell labatree!”

    Security: *scribbling on a piece of paper* “Skink?”

    Visitor: *overjoyed* “Yes! Skink labatree!”

    Security: “Okay, let’s go!”

    (On the paper: “SCIENCE.” I later learned that the visitor had taught himself English almost entirely by reading, and assumed all ‘C’s were hard ‘K’s.)

    Suffering Some Confucian About Where He Is

    | Beijing, China | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

    (My coworker is a tour guide for American groups in Beijing.)

    Tourist: “Is there a Chinatown here?”

    Coworker: “…I’m sorry?”

    Tourist: “Well, most major cities have a Chinatown. I just wanted to see if I could visit the one in this city.”

    Coworker: “You do know what country you’re in right?”

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