(I am working the drive-thru.)

Customer: “I’d like to have three boxes of chicken legs, white.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “What, don’t tell me you’re out already?! These chicken legs can’t be brown, okay? They have to be white!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no such thing as white chicken legs. It’s always brown meat.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me, girl! I know what I eat. I. WANT. WHITE CHICKEN LEGS!”

Me: “Okay, okay, let me see if we have some.”

(I order up three servings of chicken breast, and meet the customer at the drive-thru window with the food.)

Customer: “This better be my white chicken legs!”

Me: “You can check if you want, ma’am. If it’s not to your liking, we can always switch.”

(The client checks inside the three boxes, and smiles triumphantly.)

Customer: “I knew you had some! They always tell me they don’t, but the others always lie. I like you. I’ll come back again!”

(A customer has had one of our cars for three days, when he calls our customer service number.)

Customer: “The car is stuck in park. No matter what I do, it will not go out of park. I’m trying pretty hard, but I don’t want to break the gear shift.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that; let’s take a look at this and see what we can do. Are you able to start the car at all?”

Customer: “Yes the car starts just fine, and everything works. It just won’t move.”

Me: “Are there any indicator lights on?”

Customer: “All of them come on when you start the car.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and put your foot on the break, flush to the floor.”

Customer: “What? What is that? What do you mean?”

Me: “The brake pedal. Go ahead and push that down, and then shift into reverse.”

Customer: “I still don’t know what you mean.”

Me: “The pedal next to the accelerator. Push that down.”

Customer: “It worked! Thank you so much; I thought I was going to be stuck here!”

(A customer is returning a pyjama set that has a drawstring on the pants.)

Customer: “I need to return these pyjamas. They’re way too small! They must be the smallest size large ever made!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am; did you have a receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, somewhere in here.”

(The customer holds up the pyjama bottoms and stretches the waistband as far as it will go, which is not very far since the drawstring is still tied.)

Customer: “I mean, really! Does this look like a size large to you?”

Me: “Well, you can untie the string and it should stretch more.”

(I untie it. She stares, mouth agape, as she stretches the pants to twice their size.)

Customer: “Oh, wow! Well, I guess that’s all I needed!”

(I work in a large retail clothing chain in the UK. The chain is actually an American brand, and popular in both countries. I am serving a customer at the till. I am always friendly to my customers, and always make small talk.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how was your day today?”

Customer: “Why do you want to know?”

Me: “I was just asking, sir; you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Quit the small talk. I don’t care what they tell you to say when I am here.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir; that comes to [total]. Would you like to pay cash or card, sir?”

Customer: “What’s with this ‘sir’ bull-s*** your giving me?! You should just stick to your job, and quit the small talk. No one wants to talk to you anyway!”

(He throws his money on the counter, even though I am holding my hand out. I say nothing, and collect his change. He continues to rant at me.)

Customer: “This is what is wrong with the world! People are becoming robots, and just saying things and not meaning them! It’s all fake smiles and stupid small talk!”

Me: “I do not get paid any more or any less for talking to you, sir; I was just being polite. I am sorry if I offended you in any way. Have a nice day.”

(The customer glares at me. His eyes go wide, and he starts to go red.)

Customer: “HAVE A NICE DAY?! HAVE A NICE DAY?! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! WE ARE IN ENGLAND! WE ARE NOT AMERICANISED! THIS IS ENGLAND! I SUPPORT OUR ECONOMY, AND I DEMAND TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ENGLISH PERSON!”

Me: “Quite right, sir, we are in England as you correctly pointed out. However, you do realise that you have just spent money in this store, which happens to be an American company?”

(He opens his mouth to retaliate, but he can’t when he realises what I have just said. The line of customers behind him all start laughing at him, as he walks away rather briskly!)