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    Retired & Extremely Dangerous, Part 2

    Wait Until She Hears The Truth About Santa

    | MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer walks into the store, explaining ‘Elf on the Shelf’ to her sister. It is a toy resembling one of Santa’s elves, who sits on a shelf in a child’s room.)

    Customer: “You tell the kids he’s watching them. At night, he flies back to the North Pole to tell Santa if they’re being good. Then you put him someplace else, like he moved while they were sleeping.”

    (The customer sees that we have the plush stuffed elf.)

    Customer: “This is the one they can take to bed. You can’t touch the other one or he loses his magic and can’t fly to the North Pole anymore.”

    Customer’s Sister: “How can you move him around if you can’t touch him?”

    Customer: “…he’s not really magic.”

    Wouldn’t Know Fun If She Drove Into It

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (We are having an annual Christmas parade. It blocks a lot of traffic for about an hour. A driver pulls up to me.)

    Driver: “Excuse me. I need to drive through here. I need to get out to go do some business.”

    Me: “Sorry. The parade is going on right now. You can go the other direction but it’s not safe for you to go this way.”

    Driver: “I have a business to run. This is a business street. If you guys want to have fun you need to go find a fun street and not have fun on our business street!”

    Will Not Leave On The Eve

    | Ocean, NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (It is Christmas Eve. The store is closing early because of the holiday. The people on the sales floor have herded the last shoppers to the registers. The manager is standing by the door with his keys, and at 2 pm on the dot he locks the entrance door. A customer RACES up and gets inside by ducking through the cart door.)

    Manager: “Sir, we are closed.”

    Customer: “I’m inside the store! You have to let me shop!” *starts to walk around the manager*

    Manager: *sidesteps to stay in front of the customer* “No. I do not. The store is closed, the doors are locked, there is no one on the sales floor to help you, and the registers will be shut down remotely by corporate in less than fifteen minutes.”

    Customer: “Tomorrow’s Christmas. I need to buy presents for my family! The customer is always right!”

    Security: *right behind the manager, grinning* “We have you on camera forcing your way into a closed store. It would make my day if you tried something. I wouldn’t even mind spending Christmas Eve at the police station.”

    Manager: “We are closed. There are no customers in the store when we are closed.”

    (The manager and guard stand shoulder to shoulder and walk towards the man, forcing him to back out the exit door. The customers in line are entertained enough to be relaxed instead of stressed, and we cashiers finish the shift in a GREAT mood. Best Christmas Eve shift, EVER.)

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