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    No ID, No Idea, Part 14

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Underaged

    (I am a volunteer bartender at a big music festival. We are required to check everyone’s ID upon ordering a drink. It’s now late into the festival, and customers are already pretty drunk.)

    Customer: “Can I get a beer?”

    Me: “Yes, can I see some ID?”

    Customer: *as he’s pulling out his ID* “Okay, but it’s fake!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s fake. Will you still serve me?”

    Me: “Absolutely not!”

    Customer: *shoves ID in my face* “Does it look fake!?”

    Me: “You just told me your ID is fake. I cannot serve you.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll go over here!” *moves a foot over to the next bartender’s line*

    Me: “I will tell them not to serve you.”

    Customer: “Seriously!? WHAT THE H***! I JUST WANT SOME ALCOHOL!”

    (At this point the bar manager has witnessed what has transpired.)

    Manager: *to customer* “GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE AND DON’T COME BACK, OR I’LL CALL THE COPS!”

    Related:
    No ID, No Idea, Part 13
    No ID, No Idea, Part 12
    No ID, No Idea, Part 11
    No ID, No Idea, Part 10
    No ID, No Idea, Part 9

    Extreme Foreign Interests

    | England, UK | At The Checkout, Geography, Language & Words

    (I suffered from a speech disorder as a child, and while I speak perfectly now, I have a slight twang in my voice. I’m on the checkout when a smartly-dressed customer approaches the till.)

    Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

    Customer: “…where are you from?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Where. Are. You. From?”

    Me: “Um, I’m local, if that’s what you mean.”

    Customer: “No, where were you born?”

    Me: “In [local hospital].”

    Customer: *sighs* “Where are your parents from?”

    Me: “They’re from [local town] and [local city].”

    Customer: *getting irate* “I just want you to tell me where you’re from! Explain your accent!”

    Me: “Oh! My accent! Yes, there’s an explanation for that; see when I was a kid—”

    Customer: “I don’t want to hear your life story! Why are you ashamed of your heritage? You are probably bringing shame to your family by denying them! I get that there are racists here, but you don’t need to deny who you are! I won’t judge you!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

    Customer: “Tell me your parents were born in a different country!”

    Me: “Um… they were born in [other country]?”

    Customer: “Yes! See how easy that is? Why couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?!”

    (He grabs his bags and marches off. I turn to the next customer.)

    Me: “Afternoon!”

    Customer #2: “That was a lie, right?”

    Me: “Yep. How can I help you today?”

    How To Calm Upset Customers

    upset_customer

    Common Sense Abhors A Vacuum

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bizarre, Language & Words

    Customer: *whispering* “Faaaaaaahkew…”

    (I am slightly ticked off by this. I didn’t say or do anything to the customer for him to say ‘F*** you’ unprovoked.)

    Me: “What!? Say that again?!”

    Customer: *whispering* “Vhaaaaaaaaaakeeew…”

    Me: “Wait, are you asking where the vacuum cleaners are?”

    Customer: *nods*

    Me: “Right this way.”

    (Sometimes, you have to be patient with customers.)

    Socket To Him

    , | IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I take calls from customers about billing and any cable troubleshooting.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your cable has blown up my TV! All I have is a black screen. The TV won’t even turn on. Your equipment is cheap, and you’re a bad cable company!”

    Me: “Sir, let me see if I can help you.”

    Customer: “I don’t think so; you are all stupid!”

    Me: “I don’t see any outage reported in your area. Can you tell if your cable box has any lights on it?”

    Customer: “Yes, it has a red and yellow one. But you have blown up my f****** TV! You’ll have to pay for it.”

    Me: “Sir, can I have you pick up the remote and push the TV button, and then the power button?”

    (Note: If the TV is just turned off, this will turn it on.)

    Customer: “Nothing, I still have a black screen. This is a new TV. I spent good money on it!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. Let’s start with simple things and work our way up so maybe we won’t have to send a tech out.”

    Customer: “You’ll have to pay for my TV; that’s what you’ll do!”

    Me: “Are there any kind of lights or buttons lit up on your TV?”

    Customer: “No, you blew it up.”

    Me: “Can I have you just check to make sure it is still plugged in?”

    Customer: “I never unplugged it; of course it’s plugged in. But if it will make you happy…”

    (He sets the phone down and I hear him swearing in the background and the TV come on.)

    Customer: “Forget it. I’ll… fix it myself.” *click*

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