(I’m seven or eight. I’m in a school bus taking children to the swimming pool. The bus stops at a traffic light, just next to a cemetery. I overhear two boys talking.)

Boy #1: “Hey, look! A giant chess board!”

Boy #2: “Wow!”

Me: “Actually, it’s a cemetery.”

Boy #1: “No. It’s a giant chess board. Isn’t it, [Boy’s Name]?”

Boy #2: “Yeah! Girls are silly. Cemetery? That word doesn’t even exist!”

(A man has just brought his two dogs in, named Scout and Atticus.)

Me: “Your dogs are so cute and sweet!”

Owner: “Oh, thanks!”

Me: “I love their names! To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite book! It’s a shame your last name isn’t Finch. Haha!”

Owner: “Yeah… It’s also my wife’s favorite. My VERY pregnant wife. And three kids.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice.”

Owner: “Yeah. I’m married. And I have three kids.”

Me: “O… kay…”

(Once the owner leaves, my boss starts cracking up.)

Boss: “[My Name]! Stop hitting on our clients!”

Me: “I wasn’t! I was just being nice!”

Boss: “Oh, my God. That was hilarious.”

Me: “But… I was just being polite and making conversation!”

(After that, I was a little more careful with whom I struck up a conversation. The man and his family are now regular clients. I’m glad I didn’t scare them off!)

(I am bilingual, a fact that my coworker seems to be jealous of. One day the phone rings and she answers it.)

Coworker: “Hello? Oh wait.” *hands phone to me* “Here. A Spanish customer.”

(I take the phone. There is a lot of background noise on the customer’s end and her cellphone is losing signal, so her words are very garbled up and choppy. I tell her to call back later, and hang up.)

Coworker: “What was that?”

Me: “Oh, her cell phone had a bad signal so her words came out all choppy. I couldn’t understand her at all!”

Coworker: “Yeah, right. I bet you don’t know Spanish! You don’t even have any accent!”

Me: “That’s because I moved here when I was a baby. But my family spoke it at home.”

(She shoots me a suspicious look and we continue on with work. The next day, a woman approaches and starts asking questions in Spanish. I didn’t get much sleep the previous night, and I’m dead tired. Plus, it’s near the end of my shift, so my brain’s fried. I try to help her as much as possible. She was inquiring about a job. Then she leaves.)

Coworker: *from behind me* “What was THAT?!”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “You were so awkward with that Spanish-speaking woman. I knew it. You’ve lied about being bilingual! I’m telling the supervisor.”

Me: *irritated* “Look! I’ve been on my feet for the last eight hours. I can barely speak English!”

(She tells the supervisor that I’m lying. The supervisor tells her to shut up and quit causing trouble! The Spanish-speaking woman gets hired and we speak Spanish all the time, much to my coworker’s irritation!)

(I just sent my boyfriend a link to a gif of B-Mo from Adventure Time.)

Boyfriend: “B-Mo! If you dressed him in black and white stripes, he would be Bee-Mo!”

Me: “When he’s really happy, he’s Glee-Mo.”

Boyfriend: “When he’s sad, is he E-Mo?”

Me: “When he’s dragged behind a boat, he’s Ski-Mo. When he’s going to the bathroom, he’s Pee-Mo. When he looks like me, he’s Me-Mo. When he’s a tiny bug, he’s Flea-Mo. When he’s a girl, he’s She-Mo. When he’s out in the ocean, he’s Sea-Mo. When he’s being cheesy, he’s Brie-Mo. When he’s not in prison, he’s Free-Mo. When he’s drinking a chai latte, he’s Tea-Mo. When he unlocks doors, he’s Key-Mo. When there’s two more of him, he’s Three-Mo. When he sprouts leaves, he’s Tree-Mo.”

Boyfriend: “That is wonderful!”

Me: “I think I’m all out.”

Boyfriend: “I think I love you!”

(My twin sisters and I are at home. I have often been mistaken for a boy and once as my father’s grandson. I overhear my sisters talking and join in.)

Sister #1: “So I could say that my best friend’s brother is my sister.”

Me: “What?”

Sister #1: “I said that my best friend’s brother is my sister. [Sister #2] is my best friend and you’re her brother, but you’re my sister.”

Me: “Right. And I also happen to be your father’s grandson.”

Sister #2: “Exactly. So my father’s grandson is my sister, who is also my best friend’s brother.”

Me: “Or your father’s grandson, who also happens to be your best friend’s brother, is actually your sister.”

Sister #2: “Seems legit.”