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    Two For Poo With A View

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Health & Body

    (I work in the box office of a live theater. An elderly woman and her granddaughter approach me.)

    Customer: “I want to see [show] tonight. I need you to find me good tickets!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, for the amount of seats you’re looking for, we only have several aisle seats in the balcony available. You’ll all have aisles but won’t be able to sit next to each other.”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: “Those seats are good! We should snatch them up!”

    Customer: “If they were good seats, they’d have been sold by now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If I’m to understand you, any seats that I offer you will be unacceptable because they’re available the day of the show?”

    Customer: “Exactly!”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: *to grandmother* “I smell sewage. Did you just poo?”

    Customer: *with an indignant face* “Possibly…”

    (The customer buys the tickets I offer her, but not before going in circles and stinking up the lobby for several minutes.)

    Dumb By Any Metric

    | Oklahoma, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    Customer: “What’s the difference between these two water heater gas lines?”

    Me: “One is two feet long, and one is four feet long.”

    Customer: “But what is the difference? They’re priced differently.”

    Me: “Um, one is 24 inches long, and one is 48 inches long.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand! Why should I buy one over the other?”

    Me: “Because one is only this long.” *holds arms two feet apart* “And one is this long.” *hold arms four feet apart*

    Customer: “You don’t have to be so rude!” *storms away*

    Your Logic Is Fishy

    | Indiana, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a farmer’s market. One customer is a Thursday regular who always buys single teabags.)

    Customer: “I am looking for a good green tea.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I certainly have a large selection—”

    Customer: *holding up a Sushi Bar Green Tea* “Oh my lord, this doesn’t have real sushi in it, does it?”

    Me: “What? Oh! No. That just means it is like the green tea found at sushi bars.”

    Customer: “Oh, good! For a minute there, I thought it was raw fish flavored!”

    Stupid And/Or/With Wrong

    | Tasmania, Australia | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Can I have a champagne and lemonade?”

    Me: “So, that’s a champagne with lemonade in it?”

    Customer: *annoyed* “Yes, yes!”

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?”

    Me: “Champagne and lemonade.”

    Customer: *looks at me as if I’m crazy* “Ew, who would want that? I wanted a champagne AND a lemonade!”

    Me: *sigh*

    It’s (Not) An Emergency

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