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As Stupid As She Is Contagious

| Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body

(It’s late one evening when a customer walks into the store, obviously not feeling well. Our store emails coupons to loyal customers.)

Customer: “I have coupons but I forgot to print them out. I’m not asking for the discount today, but if I bring them in tomorrow could I still get the discount?”

Manager: “To get the discount on today’s items, you will have to have the coupons with you when you checkout.”

Customer: “You’re kidding me! So you want me to come all the way back here tonight when I’m this sick?”

(She storms to the back of the store, grabs a small bag of dog food, and tosses it roughly onto the counter.)

Customer: “Who’s your district manager? This is such crappy service! I shouldn’t even be out doing this today! I was just diagnosed with whooping cough!” *leaves*

(Both my manager and I look at each other, surprised. He takes down her information and gives her the number for the district manager.)

Me: “Why’d you take her information down?”

Manager: “So I know who to send my medical bill to if I get sick.”

Blood Money

, | Texas, USA | Health & Body

(A caller is on the phone applying for a loan. We get to the part with his income.)

Me: “Okay, where are you employed?”

Caller: “I don’t work. I sell blood.”

Me: *confused* “You mean at blood banks?”

Caller: “Sometimes at blood banks. Sometimes on the street…”

Size Matters, Part 10

| Dublin, Ireland | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a small counter in my store that sells the company’s own brand condoms. A female customer comes to the condom counter with a complaint. I’m busy with a customer, so my coworker steps in.)

Customer: “I want to return these!”

Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “My husband says they’re too small and they won’t fit him!”

(My coworker is a very unabashed flamboyant man. He proceeds to take a condom out of the packet, open it, unroll it and pull it over his hand and right up to his elbow, all while the customer watches in stony silence.)

Coworker: “If that doesn’t fit your husband, can I have his number?”

Customer: *leaves silently, taking the box with her*

Size Matters, Part 9
Size Matters, Part 8
Size Matters, Part 7
Size Matters, Part 6
Size Matters, Part 5
Size Matters, Part 4
Size Matters, Part 3
Size Matters, Part 2
Size Matters

Don’t Throw Rocks In Glass Elevators

| USA | Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

(Note: I am a passenger on a cruise ship with my father. I am in my early 20’s and my father is in his late 50’s. We are in the elevator with some other passengers on our way back to our rooms.)

Passenger: *glares at us* “That’s disgraceful!”

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

Passenger: “That’s disgraceful. The age difference between you two. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Absolutely disgusting!”

(My dad and I give confused looks to each other. The other passengers have now begun to stare.)

Dad: “You’re very right. After all, I used to change her diapers when she was a baby!”

Passenger: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, older men aren’t my type. Plus, he’s my dad.”

Passenger: *practically plows out of the elevator at the next floor*

Beware The Old Prune That Prunes

| Somerset, UK | Somerset, UK | Bizarre

(An elderly lady comes in and tells me she wants to look at flooring. As I’m under strict orders not to leave the tills, I direct her to the flooring while I get a coworker from that department. She walks away and comes back a few minutes later, and we begin to chat idly while waiting for help.)

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: *smiling and pointing at name tag* “Jasmine.”

Customer: “Oh, I used to have some jasmines in my garden.”

Me: “Oh that’s nice!”

Customer: “I HATED IT! It grew like a weed. I had to chop it all down.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not good.”

Customer: “Now, you’d better get me someone RIGHT NOW, or I’ll chop YOU down!”

Me: “Um, someone’s on their way.”

(A few minutes later, the coworker who went to talk to her comes up to me to borrow a tape measure for her. I tell him what she said to me.)

Me: *to coworker* “She said she wants to chop me down like she did her jasmine plants!”

Coworker: “You know, that’s really weird…when I first went up to her, she said ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I was going to smack her in the face in a minute!'”

(Finally, as the customer is about to leave, she comes up to me again.)

Customer: “Well, I’m glad you got your coworker. He was very good.”

Me: “I’m very pleased about that!”

Customer: *menacingly* “I’ll let you live…this time.”