(My mom is the kind of person who insists that she knows about everything she concerns herself with. She isn’t very computer savvy.)
Mom: “Why are you typing so much?
Me: “I have this work to finish up!”
Mom: “Don’t type so much! You’ll waste the computer ink.”
(My parents divorced when I was 2. Note that I was also very small and delicate as a child. This takes place when I am at a posh afternoon tea venue with my mum.)
Posh older ladies at a nearby table: *assuming I am shy* “Hello! Aren’t you a lucky girl coming here for afternoon tea? Did your daddy bring you as a special treat?”
Me: “Oh, no. I came with my mummy. My daddy was nasty to my mummy, so we got rid of him!”
(The older ladies were utterly shocked. My mum was dying of silent laughter.)
(My dad and I are discussing our neighbours and get on to the subject of how well we know the layout of the house.)
Me: “Well, yeah, I should know too because I’ve been here as long as you have. We moved in when I was two.”
Dad: “Well, that’s what we told you. Actually, when we moved in you were hanging from the ceiling in a cocoon.”
Me: “A cocoon? Why don’t I have wings, then?”
Dad: “Well, your mum wanted to keep you. The condition was that she could keep you only if we had them docked.”
(At the campground where I work, two girls complain that someone has stolen their picnic table. So, I go out, find it, and help them drag it back to their site. When they check out, they write on our comment card that I was helpful and friendly.)
Me: *reading the comment card* “Oh, those nice lesbians gave me a positive comment!
Coworker: “How do you know those girls were lesbians? Just because they were camping together doesn’t mean they were! The could just be friends. You’re being rude!”
Me: “Well, seeing as one of them had a tattoo with intertwined female symbols, complained about being labeled as butch while we were moving the table, and kissed the other when she bought her ice cream, I’m gonna go with lesbians.”
(My dad and I are at an electronics store asking an employee for a USB DVD drive.)
Employee: “So, what do you need this for anyway?”
Me: “Just to to have one that works to read things.”
Employee: “Well, instead of using your CDs, you can just download stuff. It’s not illegal. Just pirate it; I do it all the time!”
