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Too Hot To Give A Hoot

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

(I work at an amusement park where one of my jobs is to hand out 3D glasses and entertain guests before the show. A guest and his wife come up the queue on a particularly hot day.)

Me: *handing them glasses* “Here you are! Enjoy the show.”

Guest: “This is a 3D movie?”

Me: “Yep.”

Guest: “And it’s inside?’

Me: “Yeah, and it’s air conditioned, so it’s definitely worth it.”

Guest: “What’s it about?”

Me: “It’s a ten minute movie about dinosaurs.”

Guest Wife: “I don’t care if y’all got a hooters show in there. If it’s air conditioned, we’re going!”

Sum Dim Customers

| Austin, TX, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

Me: “What can I fix for you today?”

Customer: “Uh, I’ll have a Tai Chi.”

Me: “A…what?”

Customer: “A Tai Chi!”

Me: “Oh, you mean a Chai Tea!”

Customer: “No, it’s a TAI CHI!”

Next Customer: “Ma’am, Tai Chi is a form of Asian exercise.”

Me: *to first customer* “Here’s your drink.”

Customer: *snaps up her drink and rushes out*

Next Customer: “Whatcha got in an aerobic latte?”

How About We Read You The Riot Act

| Cape Town, South Africa | Love/Romance

Customer: “Hi, I am looking for a fashion book.”

Me: “Sure, sir. Do you know the title or any specifics?”

Customer: “No, I do not.”

Me: “I will show you the fashion section then, sir.”

(As we walk to the fashion section…)

Customer: “I don’t know why people read; it’s like a disease! I find Facebook and other things on the internet are more fun.”

Me: “I enjoy reading, sir. It’s quite stimulating and exciting.”

Customer: “So, if you read, that means you don’t have a girlfriend?”

Me: “I do have a girlfriend. We have been together a long time.”

Customer: “How does she put up with you reading?”

Me: “She enjoys reading too, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, so you two must have a very boring life together and do nothing fun!”

Working Like A Dog

, | USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(At our fast food restaurant, a customer walks in with a seeing eye dog. It’s in training with a clearly-marked blue vest and two trainers. However, a customer behind her begins complaining.)

Customer: “Man, I thought your sign said dogs ain’t allowed!”

Me: *to a trainer* “Ma’am, it’s a working dog in training, correct?”

Trainer: “Yes. She has to be trained in public before they’ll allow her to go to a patient.”

Me: “Sir, she’s a working dog. They’re allowed in public buildings by state law.”

Customer: “Man, that’s bulls***!”

Me: “Why’s that, sir?”

Customer: “That dog don’t work here!”

Cuffed Red-Handed

| Nantes, France | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I occasionally hire the 19-year-old niece of one of my friends to help me around the store during vacations. She’s quite frail and shy, but it isn’t too much of a problem since many of my customers are regulars and know (and like) her. One busy day, a peculiar lady whom I’ve never seen comes in and goes straight to the girl.)

Customer: “I want a double cheeseburger, a Coke, and a chocolate donut.”

Niece: “Um…I think we’re out of chocolate donuts. I’m going to check. Please wait a minute, ma’am.”

Customer: *bluntly* “Yeah, you do that.”

Niece: *runs to the back*

Customer: *whispering* “Useless b****.”

(When my niece comes back several minutes later, the customer gives her an icy stare.)

Niece: *nervously* “I’m very sorry, ma’am. It seems we’re out of stock. May I suggest you another dess—”

Customer: “You useless little s***! Every time I come here, I find what I want. Just admit you suck at your job.”

Niece: “B-but I—”

Customer: “Don’t interrupt me, you b****! Either get me my food now, or I’ll make sure your skinny little a** gets fired!”

Niece: *almost crying* “Ma’am, please—”

Customer: “You interrupted me again, you s***!”

(Before I can do anything, the customer PUNCHES my niece in the face, hard enough to make the girl fall on her back and hit her head on a cooler. However, two of my regulars, who are uniformed policemen, grab the customer.)

Customer: “What are you doing?!”

Regular #1: “Ma’am, what you just did is an aggravated assault. If this girl is seriously wounded, you face a fine and jail time. Please don’t resist.”

Customer: “Oh yeah?! Tough luck proving that without any police around, jacka**!”

Regular #2: *handcuffs the customer* “Ma’am, we are police officers.”

Customer: *almost faints*

(My friend’s niece ended up breaking her glasses and four of her teeth due to her fall. She refused to come back to work after that, which saddened both me and the regulars. At least she got a small measure of justice thanks to the police officers.)

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