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That’s What They All Say

Your Argument Just Went Up In Smoke

| BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

(A young man walks into store, grabs two energy drinks, and then comes to the till to pay. As he’s paying, a middle-aged customer comes into the store.)

Middle-aged Customer: “I can’t believe they haven’t banned those energy drinks yet! They’re so bad for you. Some kid down in the States died from them!”

Young Customer: *finishes paying and leaves*

Middle-aged Customer: “I’ll have two packs of cigarettes, please.”

Greeting Sheldon Cooper

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Bizarre

(I am greeting customers by the front entrance when an elderly man enters with his middle-aged daughter.)

Me: “How’s it going today, sir?”

Customer: “Well, that entirely depends on what you mean by ‘it,’ doesn’t it?”

Me: “Um, well—”

Customer: “If by ‘it’ you mean to ask how I’m doing, well, my back is very bad today. I’ve had several surgeries on it and it is still remarkably painful.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that—”

Customer: “On the other hand, perhaps ‘it’ is a vague reference to the general state of things in this country. If that is, in fact, the case, I should point out that the current economic climate—”

Customer’s Daughter: “What he means to say is that he’s fine. Thanks for asking!” *mouths to me when he’s not looking* “I’m sorry!”

Related:
Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 8 (Not Always Romantic)

His Plan Is In The Toilet

| Orlando, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers

(I work in a movie theater that is inside a mall. Sometimes, the mall closes their restrooms so they use our restrooms instead.)

Customer: “Can I use your bathroom?”

Me: “Sure, they are right over there.” *points to restrooms*

Customer: *walks past where I point*

Me: “Sir, you walked past the restrooms.”

Customer: “Well, I was going to use the ones in the back.”

(I realize he’s just trying to sneak into a movie.)

Me: “Well, the restrooms in the front are just as good as the ones in the back.”

(The customer groans and walks into the restroom, but leaves only after a few seconds.)

Customer: “F*** you, p****!”

Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

Accusations Wood Require Hard Proof

| Calgary, Canada | Rude & Risque, Time

(My landscaping company gets an early job at 7:45 AM at a residence. While starting on the lawn, the customer suddenly comes barging out of his house. It’s obvious that he’s just woken up.)

Customer: “DO YOU BASTARDS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! It’s 7:45! I said show up at 8:45!”

(Note: the customer is wearing sweat pants and has some REALLY bad morning wood going on.)

Boss: “Sir, you said 7:45. We talked about this two days ago.”

(As my boss says this, all of the workers are trying not to laugh at the customer’s morning wood.)

Customer: “Screw you! I knew what I asked for! I will show you I wrote it down!”

(A couple of moments later, he comes back out wearing an embarrassed face.)

Customer: “I got the time wrong. Sorry…” *goes back inside, still with morning wood*

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