(A young man walks into store, grabs two energy drinks, and then comes to the till to pay. As he’s paying, a middle-aged customer comes into the store.)

Middle-aged Customer: “I can’t believe they haven’t banned those energy drinks yet! They’re so bad for you. Some kid down in the States died from them!”

Young Customer: *finishes paying and leaves*

Middle-aged Customer: “I’ll have two packs of cigarettes, please.”

(I am greeting customers by the front entrance when an elderly man enters with his middle-aged daughter.)

Me: “How’s it going today, sir?”

Customer: “Well, that entirely depends on what you mean by ‘it,’ doesn’t it?”

Me: “Um, well—”

Customer: “If by ‘it’ you mean to ask how I’m doing, well, my back is very bad today. I’ve had several surgeries on it and it is still remarkably painful.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that—”

Customer: “On the other hand, perhaps ‘it’ is a vague reference to the general state of things in this country. If that is, in fact, the case, I should point out that the current economic climate—”

Customer’s Daughter: “What he means to say is that he’s fine. Thanks for asking!” *mouths to me when he’s not looking* “I’m sorry!”

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Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 8 (Not Always Romantic)

(I work in a movie theater that is inside a mall. Sometimes, the mall closes their restrooms so they use our restrooms instead.)

Customer: “Can I use your bathroom?”

Me: “Sure, they are right over there.” *points to restrooms*

Customer: *walks past where I point*

Me: “Sir, you walked past the restrooms.”

Customer: “Well, I was going to use the ones in the back.”

(I realize he’s just trying to sneak into a movie.)

Me: “Well, the restrooms in the front are just as good as the ones in the back.”

(The customer groans and walks into the restroom, but leaves only after a few seconds.)

Customer: “F*** you, p****!”

Me: “Have a good day, sir!”