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    Archive for 2012

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    Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 3

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “I want you to take these two pages, which are one-sided, and make me copies that come out two-sided. But print a test copy of it first so I can see it.”

    (I print the requested double-sided copy and hand it to the customer. He stares at it for several seconds in silence.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s great and all, but what about the other side?”

    Me: “Uh, turn the paper over?”

    Customer: “OH!”

    Related:
    Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 2
    Adventures In The Third Dimension

    Getting Burned Can Be A Pain In The Butt

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Health & Body

    (It is a very windy day during summer, and a power line has blown over in the field behind our store.)

    Me: “Hello, [pharmacy] how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to see if you have [hemorrhoid cream] in stock.”

    Me: “Alright, let me check…”

    (At this point, I put him on hold to check our stock when a fireman walks in. He tells us they are evacuating all the buildings in the area, and that we have 5 minutes to get out. I go back to pick up the phone so the customer isn’t on hold forever.)

    Me: “Sir, we do have it in stock. However, I can’t help you right now. I’m being told to evacuate the building.”

    Customer: “Does it have aloe vera in it?”

    Me: “I don’t know. As I said, I need to hang up. Please call back tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Can you see if you can order it for me?”

    Me: “Sir, there is a field fire right behind the pharmacy and I really can’t answer your questions right now. I was told by the fire department to evacuate. Please, call back another time.”

    Customer: “Well, fine then. I’ll just get it somewhere else!” *hangs up*

    Kernel Panic

    | Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

    Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

    Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

    (The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

    Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

    (The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

    Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

    Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

    Hot Tub Size Machine

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in a hotel. On the pool deck, we also have a large hot tub. As a rule, kids aren’t allowed in the tub for more than 15 minutes due to health hazards. I notice a kid, no older than six, who has been in the tub longer than 15 minutes.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, young man, but you are going to have to get out of the hot tub now.”

    Kid: “No!”

    Kid’s Mom: “Sweety, you need to come back in the pool now. The nice lady said that you had to get out.”

    Kid: “I don’t wanna!”

    (His mom gives me this lost, “no clue what to do” look.)

    Me: “Hey, I know you are a big, strong, tough guy and all, and you can probably handle a lot worse than me. However, I gotta tell you: the thing about these hot tubs is that they stunt your growth.”

    Kid: *worried* “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that you shrink. I remember when I was your age, I hung out in a hot tub for twenty minutes, and I shrank to the size of a Barbie doll. Never did grow back to my original size, either.”

    (The kid looks more than a little worried now, but obviously still doesn’t want to get out.)

    Me: “…And to be honest, you look a little smaller than you did when you first got in.”

    (I have never seen someone get out of a hot tub so fast in my life.)

    Super Salad

    Thanks, Desiree!


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