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A Light In The Darkness

| Canberra, Australia | Awesome Customers, Top

(Our lighting store is very hands-on with service. On a slow day, I see a customer standing near our counter. She is looking at some lights displayed on the roof.)

Me: “Hi, can I give you a hand today?”

Customer: *angry* “NO! You know, you’re the fourth person in ten minutes to ask me for help! I just want to look at the lights. I don’t need any help. I just want to be left alone!”

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I walk away, rather surprised by her reaction. I see another customer, an elderly man, and decide to approach him.)

Me: “Can I give you a hand, or were you just having a look?”

Elderly Customer: “Just having a look, thank you. You know, you’re the third person to ask me that. What great service you guys have!”

Two Much Information

| Missouri, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I’m a barber and I’ve just returned from my 15-minute lunch break. A customer that refuses to allow any of the other barbers in the shop work on his hair is waiting for me. He looks rather disturbed about something—almost frightened.)

Customer: “Thank goodness you’re here. What took you so long?!”

Me: “Um, I took a fifteen minute lunch, sir. It’s not that long.”

Customer: “Well, I had to use the bathroom! So, I went to the fast food restaurant down the road.”

Me: “Okay, although our bathroom is perfectly operational.”

Customer: “The man in the bathroom at the restaurant wouldn’t get out of the stall, so I had to use the urinal.”

Me: “Okay, but why are you telling me this?’

Customer: “It was diarrhea, though, so it flushed down well enough!”

Me: “Thank you…for not using our bathroom. And please, don’t share bathroom stories with me again.”

Customer: “Don’t tell anyone what I did!”

Everything’s Backward In Texas

| Texas, USA | Geography, Hotels & Lodging, Tourists/Travel

Me: “Thank you for choosing [name of hotel]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, this is going to be my first trip to Texas and I need to know a few things.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Okay, you all have beds, right? Or do we sleep in hay?”

Me: “Um, we have both full size and queen beds in our rooms.”

Caller: “Okay, good! Now, what about air condition? I hear it’s hot in Texas.”

Me: “All our rooms have air conditioners along with fans.”

Caller: “Okay, good. Now what about ice? You do have ice in Texas, right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have ice.”

Caller: “Great! You guys have finally caught up with the times. Thank you!” *hangs up*

Not A Fan Of Poly-gab-at-me

| Utah, USA | Bigotry, Religion

(I’m finishing up a tech support call. The conversation has been normal up until this point.)

Customer: “Can I ask where you’re located? You’re not in India, are you?”

Me: “No, we are not in India. We are located in Utah.”

Customer: “Utah, huh? Can I ask you a personal question?”

Me: “Well, I generally avoid discussing personal matters with people I don’t know.”

Customer: “Okay, well, are you Mormon?”

Me: “I am.”

Customer: “How many wives do you have?”

Me: “None.”

Customer: “Okay, okay…but how many are you going to have?”

Me: “One.”

Customer: “Oh, come on, you’re Mormon! Shouldn’t you have like twenty?”

Me: “Sir, it is a common misconception that Mormons have more than one wife, but we don’t. Is there any other technical issue I can help you with?”

Customer: “I would become Mormon just so I could have a bunch of wives.”

(In the background, I hear a woman yelling at the man I’m speaking with.)

Customer: “Shut up, woman! I’m on the phone!”

Me: “It doesn’t sound like you can handle the wife you already have. Why would you want more?”

Customer: “Well, I wouldn’t want to talk to them!”

Complaint Department