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    Must Have Taken A Napa In Geography Class

    | Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Geography, Top

    (A new customer walks into our liquor store. Note that I am the store manager and have been there a number of years, and have a significant appreciation for wine.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Can I help you with anything today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m going to a dinner party this evening and want to bring a bottle of wine. I don’t know anything about wines, though, and I would like to show off a bit.”

    Me: “Certainly, I can help you with that. Do you know what food they will be serving at this party?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. Roast beef or lamb, I think.”

    Me: “In that case, you would want a red wine. If you’re not sure of the meal, then I would suggest one of the blends as they are good all rounders and a safer bet if you’re unsure. As for showing off, we have some very nice wines from Chile that we have just got in. Chile has been producing some very nice wines that are winning a number of awards at the moment, and they’re very new to the Australian market so they would be the perfect thing for showing off wine appreciation.”

    Customer: “No, I said we we’re having a roast, not a curry! I don’t want anything spicy!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am…I meant the country, not the spice. These are not spicy wines. They’re just from Chile.”

    Customer: “No, I said I don’t want a spicy wine. Can’t you just show me a wine that will make me look like I’m smart in front of my friends?!”

    My Eyes Advise That Your Size Defies

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA |

    (I’m working in the fitting room of a popular clothing store. A customer enters with several pairs of shorts.)

    Me: “Found some items you liked? I’ll start a fitting room for you.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m not sure if these will work.”

    Me: “I’ll be happy to switch the sizes out for you if these don’t work out.”

    (She enters her fitting room and starts trying on her shorts. After a few minutes, she comes out wearing a pair that are WAY too small for her.)

    Customer: “Oh, no…these won’t work!”

    Me: “You’re right. A different size would work better.”

    Customer: “Oh good! I’m glad you agree. These are a 6…can you get me a 2 and a 4?”

    Me: *mouth hanging open*

    Half-A-Brains Don’t Have A Heart

    | Liverpool, England, UK | Money

    (I work at a charity shop. We often get customers trying to get items for less through a variety of methods, such as finding problems with items or comparing our prices to other stores.)

    Customer #1: “Oi!”

    (I look around and see three men by the men’s shoes.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer #2: “These shoes are a size 8 and they’re marked as a size 10!”

    Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll retag them.”

    (The three customers look at each other and give a nasty laugh.)

    Customer #1: “So, since you messed up, can I have these shoes for half price?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I can’t change the prices.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I can!”

    (The three customers give a nasty laugh again. I decide to leave them. They then walk over to my coworker at the till.)

    Customer #3: “Oi, love, we’re having these shoes for half price.”

    Coworker: “I’m very sorry, but I don’t have the authority to change the prices.”

    Customer #1: “Go on, just cut the price.”

    Coworker: “I can’t do that. And, besides, all the money goes to charity.”

    Customer #1: “Screw charity! I want these shoes for half price!”

    Not Paying At-Ten-tion

    | Canberra, Australia | Money

    (I work in a bookshop and we are having a sale. Everything is $10, and there are signs and tags everywhere.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how much is this?”

    Me: “Everything in store is $10.”

    Customer: “So, how much is this?”

    Me: “$10.”

    Customer: (picks up another book) “…and this?”

    Me: “$10.”

    Customer: “That can’t be right. It’s too cheap!”

    Me: “I assure you it is. We’re having a sale. Everything is $10.”

    Customer: “Oh, great!”

    (The customer picks up another book with a big $10 sticker on the front.)

    Customer: “So, how much is this one?”

    The Pool-cebo Effect

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Top

    (I am a lifeguard at a pool. I am covering a coworker’s 12-4pm shift while he is visiting a friend in Boston. There is a senior aqua-exercise class for people with arthritis that is starting.)

    Swimmer #1: “Brrr, The water is so cold! Why is the water always so cold?”

    Swimmer #2: “Yes, this is ridiculous. We are going to freeze to death!” *to me* “You, there! Lifeguard! What is the water temperature today?”

    Me: “It is 84 degrees. Quite warm, actually. I went for a swim earlier.”

    Swimmer #1: “Bulls***! Where is the normal lifeguard, [coworker's name]? He always fixes the water temperature for us.”

    Me: “Really? How?”

    Swimmer #2: “He calls the front desk and has maintenance turn up the temperature. He’s such a nice boy. Such a lovely boy!”

    Me: “Okay, let me try that…

    (I walk over to the phone, but instead of calling the front desk, I just call my coworker’s cellphone.)

    Coworker: “Hello?”

    Me: “Yeah, hey, I’m doing your shift. There’s this arthritis class in here complaining about the water temperature. They say that you know how to fix it for them. What exactly do you do?”

    Coworker: “Oh, haha! I always tell them I’m going to call the front desk and have the temperature cranked up. Then, I walk into the office, pick up the phone and just mouth words to the dial tone for a few seconds. Then I go back and tell them that they’re working on it.”

    Me: “Okay, man, awesome.”

    (I hang up and walk back to the class.)

    Me: *to the swimmers* “Uh, yeah…they said they’ll get on it right away.”

    Swimmer #1: “I feel better already!”


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