(I work in the wine department of a well known grocery chain.)

Customer: “Can you show me where the Charbonnay is?”

Me: “Ah, you mean Chardonnay. It’s right over here.”

(I hand her a bottle.)

Customer: “That’s not Charbonnay. Charbonnay is RED!”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Here you go!”

(I hand her a bottle of Cabernet sauvignon.)

Customer: “That’s more like it!” *waddles off grumbling about how stupid I am*

Related:
Right Next To The Pee Not And Cabinet

Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

Patient: “Hi, my 6-month-old grandson has some congestion in his nose and a fever. I gave him some NyQuil yesterday and that seemed to help. Is there anything you would recommend?”

Me: “For the congestion, you can use these saline drops, they’re–”

Patient: “No! I don’t wanna use that medicated stuff.”

Me: “All right. Well, for the fever you can try this Tylenol. Do you know the wei–”

Patient: “No! I don’t want to use that! It has acetaminophen in it! That’s not safe for babies.”

Me: “Actually, acetaminophen is quite safe for infants.”

Patient: “You’re a pharmacist. You would say that!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is the Advil.”

Patient: “That has acetaminophen too!”

Me: “No, that has ibuprofen. Which is also saf–”

Patient: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Are you aware that NyQuil has acetaminophen in it?”

Patient: “You lie! NyQuil has NyQuil in it! Isn’t there anything more natural I can give?!”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “You’re useless!” *storms off*

(Every day, we have soups available. When a soup runs out, we take its card out of the display and put in a placeholder that says something like “Warm Goodness” or “Homestyle Delight” just to fill space. The cards very clearly do not look like the rest of the cards since the normal soups have descriptions where the placeholders say “Try our soups today!”)

Customer: “I’d like some of the Warm Goodness.”

Me: “Well that isn’t actually a soup, it’s just a placeholder. We do have several other soups today.”

Customer: “Silly me. I’ll have the Homestyle Delight instead.”

(I operate a mobile pet hydrobath, and I’m brushing knots out of a border collie before washing him. He is still completely dry when his owner comes out of the house.)

Customer: “Where’s the drowned rat?”

Me: *laughs* “He’s not drowned yet. I’m just going to brush out these knots.”

Customer: *to his dog* “Aww, who’s a drowned rat?”

(I figure he can’t see into the bath and didn’t hear me.)

Me: “I haven’t washed him yet. I’m just giving him a good brush first.”

(The owner climbs into the trailer where he can clearly see the completely dry dog.)

Customer: *to his dog* “Now that’s a drowned rat if ever I saw one!”

Me: “Heh, not yet—”

Customer: *to his dog* “Who’s a drowned rat?”

(An older customer and his wife approach the register.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “Good. How are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m pretty good!”

Customer: “You got the ‘pretty’ part right, but I’m not so sure about the ‘good’ part yet.”

(The customer’s wife glares at him. I feel pretty uncomfortable and start to scan his groceries.)

Customer: “Hmm…you’re pretty fast. Good, good…”

(I hurriedly scan the rest of their groceries and turn my attention elsewhere.)

Customer: “I need you to fax something for me.”

Me: “Okay, we actually have a self-serve fax machine right over here.”

(I point to it as I walk over to it from my side of the counter.)

Customer: “I don’t know how to fax.”

Me: “That’s okay. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “But I’ve never used one of those before.”

Me: “That’s why I’m going to show you how to use it.”

Customer: “No, I can’t, I’m not good with computers.”

Me: “Then you’re in luck: this isn’t a computer. It’s actually just like using a phone.”

Customer: “Here, you just do it for me.”

Me: “I actually can’t, due to our privacy policy, but I will walk you through it.”

Customer: “But I don’t know how to use it!”

Me: “That’s why I said I would show you…”

Customer: “You’re too young to be wearing such nice jewelry.”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

Customer: “No. Seriously. You’re in what, college? You should not be allowed to wear or own such nice jewelry.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “This is an utter outrage. I want to see your manager!”