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    Archive for 2011

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    Cat-Nipped In The Bud

    | VA, USA | Top

    (I am talking to a first time cat owner about the cat she is interested in. Another woman walks in.)

    Customer #1: “Now, do I have to clean them like I would a dog?”

    Me: “No, generally cats will bathe themselves.”

    Customer #2: “Actually, you will want to bathe them. We bath our cat once a week.”

    Me: “Well, we normally recommend you don’t bathe a cat because most cats really hate water.”

    Customer #2: “We bathe our cat all the time and it keeps her clean.”

    Me: “I’m sure that works for you, but with a new cat you don’t know. I really suggest that this woman does not bathe the cat.”

    Customer #2: “No! You should bathe the cat to keep it clean!”

    (After several minutes of her insisting this, I eventually agree and she leaves. After checking that she is out of sight, I turn back to the first customer.)

    Me: “Don’t bathe the cat.”

    Customer #1: “I won’t.”

    One Telepath On The Rocks

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (I am handing off an iced tea to one of my regular customers.)

    Me: *maintaining eye contact with my regular customer* “Here’s your drink!”

    Random Other Customer: *yelling* “That’s not my drink!”

    Me: “I know, its for [regular's name].”

    (I check the queue to find that there aren’t any more drinks to be made.)

    Me: “What drink did you have?”

    Random Other Customer: “Oh, I didn’t order yet.”

    Catfish Caught His Tongue

    | Gray, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I want fish.”

    Me: “Alright, what kind of fish? We have catfish, tilapia, or grouper.”

    Customer: “I just want fish.”

    Me: “I have to know what kind you want.”

    Customer: “I just want some d*** fish. How hard is that?”

    Me: “Catfish it is. Whole or filet?”

    Customer: “Whole is with the bones?”

    Me: “Yes sir.”

    Customer: “Filet. I don’t like bones.”

    Me: “Alright.”

    (I return ten minutes later with his order.)

    Me: “Here you are sir. Any sauce or anything?”

    Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted.”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “I’m allergic to fish!”

    Time To Google Google

    | Glasgow, UK |

    (A customer had trouble remembering his password for his email address.)

    Me: “Sir, if you can just go to Google and type in [address], it will take you to the website to reset your password.”

    *long silence*

    Me: “Are you on the website sir?”

    Caller: “I think my nephew has been on here and deleted Google from the internet.”

    Adding Flames To The Fire

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (I work in a retail store that sells adult novelties like edible body paint and lingerie. A teenage customer has just bought a lighter with a pot leaf on it around an hour ago.)

    Customer: “I want to return this. My mom said I’m not allowed to spend my money on stuff this vulgar.”

    Me: “Well, we can either give you a different lighter or a gift card, but our return policy states we don’t give cash back.”

    Customer: “Give me a minute.”

    (The customer grabs a lighter to exchange it with. It’s in the shape of a hand with its middle finger extended and says ‘f*** you!’ whenever you press the button.)


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