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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Archive for 2011

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    Attempting Mouse To Mouse Resuscitation

    | USA |

    Customer: “I plugged a mouse into my computer, and it died. Now I can’t get it out.”

    (We review for a few minutes and I deduce that he has plugged a mouse into his USB port, but it’s stuck inside and won’t work.)

    Me: “Okay, so grab the cord and try to pull on that.”

    Customer: “You mean the tail? That’s already in the port.”

    Me: “Well, the cord shouldn’t be. You’re supposed to plug in the other end.”

    Customer: “You mean the head? I don’t think it would fit.”

    (Suddenly realizing what the customer has done.)

    Me: “Did you plug in a live mouse to your computer?”

    Customer: “Yes, I believe I said that.”

    (I put customer on hold for several minutes. When I recover I realize I don’t know what to tell the customer I call my supervisor who instructs the customer to bring the laptop into a repair shop. I get the customer back on and tell him this information.)

    Customer: “But Mickey’s gone for good now, right?”

    So Pho, So Crazy, Part 2

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Hello ma’am, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Sorry, I was just curious. What ethnicity are you?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “You know, from Vietnam?”

    *blank stare*

    Me: “…like the Vietnam War?”

    Customer: “Oh! You were in that?”

    Related:
    So Pho, So Crazy

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 3

    | New Brunswick, NJ, USA |

    (Note: I am a customer.)

    Fellow Customer: *heavily accented* “Excuse me. Where are the pipe cleaners?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I don’t work here. I have no idea.”

    (He moves off to meet with two others, who have a conversation. I move on, when another from the group approaches me.)

    Fellow Customer #2: “Hi. Where are your pipe cleaners?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I don’t work here.”

    Fellow Customer #2: “Oh.” *long pause* “I want green ones.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I meant I don’t work here. I’m also shopping.”

    (He walks back to his group, who have another hushed conversation. The third person comes over. By now, a fourth customer is watching with amusement.)

    Fellow Customer #3: “I’m sorry, they’re new to America and don’t follow much English.”

    Me: “That’s alright.”

    Fellow Customer #3: “We can’t find those long green–”

    Me: “No, I don’t work here. I’m just shopping here, too.”

    Fellow Customer #3: “Oh, alright. You just seemed to know where you were going. Sorry to bother you.”

    (He and his friends leave to find someone in the dark blue of the store’s uniform.)

    Other Customer: “Wow. Took them long enough!”

    Me: *laughing a little* “Yeah, I guess I’m still in work-mode.”

    Other Customer: “So, where is your yarn?”

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 2
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here

    Special Sale: Half Price Gravity

    | N. Mankato, MN, USA |

    (I work in customer service at a call center. We were running a promotion on engraved pens and the caller has decided she wants to buy 5000 pens. She inquires about shipping and upon hearing the price begins drilling me on the weight of the pens (233.33lbs) and the full cost of the order ($1,576.36).)

    Me:“Okay, so shipping looks like it will be about $100.”

    Customer:“Why so much?”

    Me: “Well, as that is a very large number of metal pens. The weight will be about 233.33 pounds.”

    Customer: “But why does it weigh so much?”

    Me: “Because, ma’am, that’s 5000 metal pens.”

    Customer: “But how much does that cost total?”

    Me: “$1,576.36.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll call back tomorrow and see how much it weighs then.”

    Faux Papa

    | PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello! I was just wondering if I could return something to your store.”

    Me: “Sure! That is no problem. Do you still have the receipt?”

    Caller: “Yes I do.”

    Me: “Than that should be no problem. Feel free to bring it in.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank you so much. You see, I bought it for my son’s new baby, but it turns out that it’s not his…”


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