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    Archive for 2011

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    True Exits Are On The Way Out

    | PEI, Canada |

    (We are a very small store, and only have one entrance/exit door. A visitor from a larger city, is standing in the middle of the store, looking lost.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes. Where is your exit?”

    Me: “Our exit?”

    Customer: “Yes, I came in that door, but I can’t find your exit.”

    Me: “We only have one door.”

    Customer: “One door? How strange!”

    Her Thoughts Are In Utero

    | NY, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any Japanese music?”

    Me: “Yes, we have quite a large selection.”

    Customer: “That’s great. My daughter wanted something by, um, ah…”

    (I patiently wait.)

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t remember the name.”

    Me: “Don’t worry. Take your time. Maybe you could ask your daughter again?”

    Customer: “No, I got it. Something like… uterus?”

    Me: *pause* “Uterus?”

    Customer: “Hang on. I think I’ll call my daughter.”

    (The customer walks away, pulling out a cell. She comes back a minute later.)

    Customer: “Okay, I got it now. It’s Utada. Hikaru Utada.”

    A Yearning For Ears That Are Burning

    | Burlington, WA, USA |

    (A recent article regarding our business and the habits of its customers was published in the papers. My fellow employees are discussing some of points that were brought up in passing. They leave the area. A customer comes storming up to me.)

    Customer: “Those workers were saying some very offensive things! I want to report them. Who do I talk to?”

    Me: “Well, if you just–”

    Customer: “They say I just come here to get free stuff! I don’t do that! I ‘actually’ buy stuff here! I want to report them!”

    Me: “Well, if you’d like to report them, then you’ll need to go up front and speak with a manager. I’d like to point out though, that they were only talking about an article that was published.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, the news just released an article that talked about our store and some of the stuff people do. That’s what you heard them talking about.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought they were talking about me!”

    Ticketing System, Not Ticket In System

    | Thousand Oaks, CA, USA |

    (Our theater has two methods of buying tickets. The box office outside, and the indoor computerized ticket kiosks, which accept only credit cards.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me what that machine does?”

    Me: “That’s an automated ticket kiosk. You can avoid lines at the box office by either purchasing tickets from it directly, or picking up will-call tickets.”

    Customer: “Well, when is it going to give my ticket back?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I saw the machine, and didn’t know what it did. I put my ticket in here.”

    (He points to the credit card slot.)

    Customer: “Now, I can’t get it out.”

    (I am silent as I try to work out how to respond.)

    Customer: “So, can I go see my movie now?”

    Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry to inform you that you no longer have a ticket.”

    When Kids Break Out On Their Own

    | Denver, CO, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I am working in the toy section of the retail store. I receive a call around 8pm.)

    Me: “Hello you’re through to [retailer], toys. How can I help you?”

    (A quiet little girl, not much older than 10, answers.)

    Girl: “Hi um…can you help me find something for my mommy?”

    Me: “Sure, honey. What are you looking for?”

    Girl: “Um, I need an exercise thing. It’s like, a bar that you put on the ground and pull on.”

    (I’m not sure what she means. I walk over and scan the exercise section really quick, but see nothing like that.)

    Me: “Sorry, honey. We don’t really have anything like that. I can tell you some stores you might find it at.”

    Girl: “Okay.”

    Me: “If you can put your mom on the phone, I’ll give her the store names.”

    Girl: “My mommy’s not home. It’s just me and my little brother. We accidentally broke my mommy’s thing, and we’re trying to find where to get one so she won’t be mad.”


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